Thursday Threesome! My Three Favourite Animal Crossing Villagers! (And What I Tried to Do to Them).

In the grand pantheon of videogames, Animal Crossing shouldn’t be that engaging. When a friend first tried to sell me on it (“You build a house and you fish, catch bugs and collect fruit in real time to pay off your debts”) I wanted to slap his face. And yet, amid the hype of Animal Crossing: New Leaf, I dusted off my cobwebby 3DS and inexplicably bought myself a copy. And I’m sorry to say that the teeming masses were right. Animal Crossing is casual, cutesy, videogame crack and I am HOOKED.

So what better celebrate Thursday Threesome than to share with you my three favourite villagers who were randomly selected to reside in my town. Last week I had a real-life birthday and, after being spirited into a house by a frantic goose, I was subjected to this surreal nightmare... SURPRISE!

Wait! Gladys? Camofrog? Tammi? These are NONE of my favourite villagers! Buncha’ dickbags! Where were my favourites and why weren’t they at my birthday party?

We’re going to track down my three best animal pals... after the jump!

You may note that my character is wearing a mask and is dressed like a rabbit. Don’t panic. This is all a ploy to assimilate. I have it on good authority that the animal community is prejudiced against humans. And who can blame them when Tammi’s monkey head would look amazing on my bedroom wall, or Gladys the goose would be far more palatable stuffed with carrots and onions. It’s a weird relationship with these animals and I’m not entirely sure why I’ve been placed in this world. Am I supposed to hunt them? Eat them? Breed with them? Become one of them? The manual isn’t clear.

1. O’HARE
O’Hare the hare was a late arrival to my town and he’s the only one that lives away from the town center. He lives in a love shack over the river where I’m pretty sure he throws wild parties that we don’t know about. His name is O’Hare so I’m pretty sure he’s Irish and when we first met he talked about drinking a lot. His house interior is really casual and kind of tropical and he used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. I’m pretty sure he’s a swinger.

I went and spoke to O’Hare so I could screencap him and I’m pretty sure he was drunk because he wasn’t making a hell of a lot of sense.

He also keeps getting a suspiciously rosy face. What a trademark lush!

Still, despite his incoherence and occasional deviance, O’Hare is a total dude and one of the few guys in this forest that I can party with. And that more than earns him a spot on this list.

2. MIRANDA
A very recent addition, Miranda has already made an impact. Times are tough when you’re a bachelor in a forest and although Miranda is a duck, she’s pink and she has cute hair, so that makes her eligible in my book. I tried to give her a subtle and classy signal by sending her a letter offering to rub butter on her duck breasts and thighs but this has backfired because when she’s bored she presents the letter that I sent and tries to embarrass me. Total lack of forethought on my part. Can you even makeout with a bill? If my character’s face gets all scratched up then you’ll know why. I did teach her a new catchphrase though...

I spoke to Miranda to get some screencaps and right away she invited me back to her house. And she has hot tub so I figured I was making progress.

There was a lot of sexual tension - seriously, the air was thick with it - and then it looked like she was about to offer me something.

And then it happened...

Turns out it’s not a euphemism. It’s just a coconut.

Nevermind, because my true love is...

3. FUCHSIA
Another pink animal? (I actually have three pink lady animals. All the old residents are moving out and my forest is turning into a harem). Fuschia is a doe (I think) and sort of a naive, urban, misfit girl, but she has a lot of style. She can be detached and random but I love her to bits. And she’s currently wearing the bitchin’ skull dress I designed.

So I went to speak to Fuchsia and she begged me to bring her back to my house, which also sounded promising. Does before bros!

I’ve built a pretty swinging pad here, and seeing how she’s so impressed by design, this should be a pushover. I think we’re going to get married. And have deerbabbies.

First I want to show her how fun and laid back I am so we hang out in the games room and I impress her with my mad foosball skillz...

But then I also want to show her than I’m an entrepreneur and an intellectual so we spend some quality time in my office. I have a huge bank of televisions from which I monitor and influence world events...

And then I take her down to my creepy basement and photograph her...

That’s it. And a little to the left. Loosen the dress...

Then it’s time to close the deal. Upstairs I have lavishly decorated pleasure palace watched over by the skull of a mighty Tyrannosaurus Sex.

Don’t be embarrassed. You’re beautiful.

Unfortunately I fell asleep.

WHO ARE YOUR FAVOURITE ANIMALS???