F**k Yeah Game of Thrones Recaps! Episode 10: Mhysa!

Okay so everyone can unclench for the rest of the year. Blood-and-boobs fantasy epic Game of Thrones season three has finally ended. Let your throner boners deflate, and look forward to a nightmare-free slumber again.

You may commence with the heavy touching.

I never read those big, fancy word-books, but I attentively watched each episode and I've been recapping the crap out of them for your enlightenment/pleasure. So join me one more time (this year) as I recap the crap out of Mhysa... after the jump!


Well... after last week's blood-soaked trauma, things have certainly slowed down and relaxed a little this week. There seem to be a GoT forumla at play here - both seasons 1 and 2 had a massive 9th episode before quietly sneaking out with a final episode of mini resolutions and future set up. For those of us expecting a final punch in the heart today - we didn't get it. This was a kinder, gentler Thrones. Relatively speaking of course...

However, Mhysa does start with a bang, picking up right where we left off in the aftermath of the already infamous "Red Wedding". The remaining Stark troops are being burned and butchered as the Hound spirits Arya (now strangely conscious) away on his horse. But not before she gets a glimpse of the makeshift arts and crafts project that the Frey men have made out of Robb. They've cut off his curly noggin and sewn the severed head of his wolf onto his shoulders. Sure, some of the stitching could use a little work, but I really think they're onto something. Why not gather up the bits and pieces of favourite dead characters and recycle them into new characters by sewing them together? I for one welcome brand new cast member Walter Wolf-face.

Later, the treacherous Lord Frey is pretty chuffed as the blood of his enemies is mopped up by servants. Roose Bolton is now the new Warden of the North and Frey is looking forward to getting himself a replacement bride. And yet I have the sneaking suspicion that things aren't going to be as rosy as they think. It's certainly not rosy for a bunch of Frey soldiers eating in the woods and laughing about Catelyn's slit throat and the outlandish Etsy adventures of a sewing a wolf to Robb. Passing by, Arya hears them and decides to approach them for a little chat about the situation. She drops a coin and when one particularly rough-headed bugger stoops to pick it up, she stabs him in the neck about a billion times. Hound finishes off the rest and scolds her for her for starting the stabbing without him. At least they now share a hobby, right? I can't wait to hear more of their stabby adventures. When she finally gets some time alone she studies the coin and mutters "valar morghulis" suggesting that far more murdering is in her future. I hope so because we are running out of Starks to root for!

Oh yeah, and it was also revealed that Roose Bolton's son, Ramsey, is in fact the not-so-helpful janitor who has been cruelly torturing Theon "Super Chav" Greyjoy all season long. And it was 100% confirmed that he did indeed snip off Theon's penis, making Ramsey another unlikely contestant in the Medieval Project Runway that appears to be happening on the sidelines. Why not sew Theon's dick to the head of the wolf? Then you've really got something special! Cold-blooded Ramsey celebrates the snipping by salaciously eating a sausage in front of the crying Theon and then decides to give him the new nickname, "Reek". Because he reminds him of the bull creature in Attack of the Clones?

But where is Theon's member? Luckily in turns up later as the world's very first dick-in-a-box, presented to Theon's father, Baelon. I would have put it in a postage tube. Baelon is pretty over it and wants to throw it in the fire, feed it to the dogs, or bury it in the garden or something, but Theon's sassy sister Yara (who Theon infamously fingerbanged on a horse) feels some sudden (and strange?) sympathy for her little brother (now sister?) and decides to get her montage on. In about four seconds she assembles a bunch of killer pirates and sails off to kick arse, take names, and get Theon back. Didn't their mockery of him get him into this mess?

Now, up near The Wall, Bran, Hodor, the Kid from Love Actually and his Sister, are holed up in some abandoned castle for the evening. Bran decides to scare the shit out of everyone by telling the story of a guy who cooked another guy in a pie and then became a hungry rat guy who ate his own young. Apparently the Gods get verily pissed if you mistreat a guest, which is a further clue that Frey is due a divine kick in the old man pants. Then suddenly it looks like a very big rat is about to intrude on them but... oh shit no - it's just Sam and Gilly! (And her wee babby!). IT'S A TEAM UP, FOLKS! This is the Medieval equivalent of a Marvel crossover!

But not for long! After a bit of, "Hey aren't you, Bran! I love your bro, bro! Hey! Isn't that Hodor? My favourite Pokemon!" Sam and Gilly are keen to keep moving AWAY from The Wall whereas the idiot Bran wants to continue straight over it. So Sam gives them all some of those crazy dragonglass daggers that decimate White Walkers. You remember in that episode where Sam dropped the dagger and we were all like, "Sam you stupid moron! Pick that shit up!" Well it turns out he has about a thousand of these things secreted on his body, so it's all cool. Seriously, you want one of these things? Sam will hook you up, dude. Ask now - he's doing a two-for-one.

So Sam and Gilly head off back to Castle Black where the doddering codger Maester proves that his blind by thinking that Sam knocked Gilly up. Sam explains what actually happened and the Maester sends out a bunch of ravens to let everyone know that some serious White Walker shit is coming down the pipe. It should be noted that it's taken Sam a whole ten episodes to relay this information. He sure ain't in a hurry.

Unlike that bastard Jon Snow, however, who is catching his breath in the countryside, wild-haired and with a falcon scratched face, looking like the lead singer from some weird heavy metal band. The feisty wildling Ygritte catches up with him and holds him at arrow point and the two of them exchange some dialogue that makes them look like the biggest bogans/chavs/rednecks in all of creation. Jon is all, "I had no choice, baby. I love you, and you love me, but I gotta' split, babe" and Ygritte shoots him three times with her arrows. A heavily punctured Jon rides off into the distance. He doesn't fall off his horse because he's pinned to it. Why not just sew him to the horse. Then he can be Jon Centaur!

So Jon rocks up at Castle Black and his big ol' chubby dynamo bro, Sam, is there to see him! It's a much-needed reunion and a rare bit of happiness. Bro hugs and high-fives and it's time to get Jon patched up. Represent! We're back where we started!

At Dragonstone, old sea dog Davos becomes chummy with the imprisoned Gendry - who seems relatively philosophical for someone who just had a leech on his dick. Upstairs, red sorceress Melissandre is pleased at the news of Robb's death, believing that her mumbo jumbo was not without its influence. She and grumpy would-be king, Stannis, seem to agree that sacrificing Gendry for more power has its definite merits. But Davos comes up and tries to cockblock them both, and when Stannis won't listen he takes matters into his own hands and sneaks Gendry out of the castle in a boat. "Have you ever rowed a boat before? Can you swim? No? Nice knowing you. BYE!" Considering this is yet another betrayal by Davos, Stannis is beginning to wonder why he keeps him around. Sentencing Davos to death appears to be a convenient solve-all but - wouldn't you know it - a well-timed raven mail warns of the White Walkers and Melissandre decides to keep Davos around. Perhaps this bitter old badger will prove handy after all? How exactly I'm not sure. Perhaps as a meat shield?

So much stuff is happening at King's Landing that I barely know where to begin...

At the Small Council meeting, King Joffrey "The Joff" Joffster is jumping around like he got a Nintendo for Christmas, stoked that Robb is dead and keen to literally serve Sansa his head. Demon monkey Tyrion takes offence and threatens to murder Joffrey once again, which spurs Joff into an epic hissy fit. It takes the stern glance of Granddaddy Tywin Lannister to put out Joffrey's fire and send him upstairs to bed without a kiss or a story. Joff is mighty cranky but he does what he's told and skulks upstairs. In the ensuing conversation between Tywin and his imp son, Tyrion it is revealled that Tywin was the one who helped convince the Freys to butcher Robb at his wedding. The Lannister family seems stronger than ever, and all because Granddaddy Tywin is an unrepenting hardass. Tywin once again demands that Tyrion pop a baby into the reluctant Sansa, quick smart.

Sansa has a cry that Robb is now Walter Wolf-face and there's not much that Tyrion can do to cheer up. And Tyrion's real lover, Shae, is still pissed at being his wife's handmaiden and has an unusual encounter with bald eunuch, Varys, who gives her a big bag of diamonds and tries to convince her to flee the city and stop complicating things. She promptly refuses. I guess we have more complications in our future. Tyrion and ice queen Cersei have a philosophical discussion on when on earth all this business is going to end...

But there is another tiny slice of happiness in the form of a second reunion. Finally the filthy and battered Jaime Lannister returns to King's Landing (dropped off by lady-mountain Brienne). As Cersei broods in her chambers, examining her vast collection of conch shells, Jaime silently enters, making her gasp. It's a genuinely tender moment, only ruined when she tries to shake his hand.

So who's going to close out this season?

Dragon queen Daenerys gets the honours (yet again) as she and her army wait at the front gates of the freshly fallen city, waiting to see if the slaves inside will come out and play. Was there ever any doubt? Soon enough they all pile out and are happy to see their liberator. Everybody wants to touch her as she enters the cheering throng which quickly turns into a swirling Bollywood number. Credits roll.

To be honest, as a cool a scene as it is, it's not quite the season finale I was hoping for. I think their allegiance was pretty much a given and I would have far preferred a "HOLY SHIT!" moment that would have had me anxious for the next season. I love Danererys but her story is a slow one, and I feel like it's still going to be a long time before she crashes a dragon into Tywin's smug face. (I'm guessing). Could have done with some shock and awe, but I guess everyone is still fragile after last week.

So we did it, you guys! And overall I think that this was a far stronger season than the last. Let's just hope they can keep the momentum up for next time!

I AM FREEEEEEEEE!