We begin in the frozen wastelands beyond The Wall where fatty-boombatty true gentleman, Sam, is making camp with wildling woman Gilly and her freshly born babby. Do wolves or White Walkers tear them to shreds? Does Gilly throw open her furs to reveal a totally sweet naked body? Not this time, friends. Gilly instead seems befuddled by just about everything Sam says, and then Sam sings a song. Unfortunately it is is Justin Bieber’s Baby. However, he does remind us that he found that awesome dragon knife...
Let us stick to the snow for a while. That bastard Jon Snow is experiencing a creepy, clingy stage from Ygritte, who pendulums from praising his cunning linguistics to threatening to cut off his cock and wear it around her neck. (At least it would make Jaime Lannister feel better about his own unfortunate choice of jewellery . Jon, dude, you are well and truly trapped. I sure hope that night in the hot tub was worth it. Especially when Ygritte drops the bombshell that she knows that Jon is still loyal to the Night's Watch, but will stick with him until the end. Way to make things difficult!
So Jon and these wildling hooligans - including Redbeard and Gareth from The Office - plan on scaling the ridiculously high wall of ice using cocktail pickaxes. Needless to say, it isn't too long before the ice is all, "I've had enough of this crap", cracks the shits, and sends a lot of faceless fur-coats tumbling to their deaths. Gareth from The Office is tethered to Jon and Ygritte (who I assume is in some way dangerously tethered to Jon's aforementioned cock) and cuts them free, but Jon is a bad ass and manages to cling to the ice wall. Probably by popping some never-before-seen Wolverine claws. Jon scowls like a maniac and onward they climb, their purpose refreshed.
Meanwhile, out in the far warmer woods, my favourite wild woman, Osha is skinning rabbits simply by grimacing at them, and telling young interloper Meera (the sister of the raven-inhabiting kid from Love Actually) that she's a total noob. Meera's like, "Yeah well you're a meanie". Bran's had enough of their bullshit and tells them both to put a lid on it. He'd probably kick their arses if he had the ability kick. And then, speaking of Love Actually, he starts to spasm wildly in his sleep on account of his freaky animal visions of the future. Meera rushes to his aid, whacks an old belt in his gob, and explains that these visions take their toll on him. And Bran must be thinking, "Oh great! There's another thing I have to look forward to..."
Switching Starks, let's head to the secret bat cave of the drunk and hairy Brotherhood Without Banners. Arya's learning a new skill, which is shooting arrows at people's tits. Considering her father spent a big bag of ducats for a series of sword lessons - and yet we still recently saw her disarmed in half a second - then I don't know if this investment is going to really pay off. But wait! Who should turn up announced but firecrotch sorcereress Melissandre! That WAS unexpected! Now look, I kind of guessed the other episode that she'd be coming for bastard blacksmith Gendry, but I had no idea it would be as easy as this. Did she see him in a crystal ball? Did she teleport here?
So Melissandre and the brothers talk god-bothering Lord of Light stuff and she's pretty shocked that leader Beric has been resurrected from death an unfeasible amount of times. But then it's all business again and she gives them some gold to buy Gendry who I guess is going to have to impregnate her with another patented Shadow Man Baby. Except he doesn't know that yet so he's foolishly protesting. Arya tries to stop Melissandre but the witch lady gets all mystic and googly eyed, cryptically insinuating that Arya will go on to kill some doods ("blue eyes, green eyes, red fish, blue fish) and that the two of them will "meet again" soon. Well, she's certainly not going to kill anyone with a sword or a bow at the rate she learns. Should have stuck with that shapeshifter guy.
We may as well keep with the Stark clan and cross to surly strategist Robb who has to face the music with the wretched Freys. All the way back in series one, Robb promised Papa Frey that he would marry one of his ungainly daughters in order to get his army across a bridge. Then Robb went, "LOL! J/K!" and married the far sexier Talisa just to spite them. So now he has to finally make amends and he does this by making his screw-up uncle Edmure agree to marry one of these hideous Frey sea creatures instead. And badass Blackfish offers moral support by threatening to punch his teeth. That's his answer to everything. Blackfish would punch a baby to sleep.
Theon "Super Chav" Greyjoy's story is starting to get a little stale for me. I don't watch movies like Hostel and Saw, so I'm kind of sick of seeing this poor dishevelled rat-bastard continually tortured. The not-so-friendly janitor is just toying with him now, playing cruel mind games while chopping off Theon's little finger. Hopefully he'll make him wear that around his neck too, and then Jaime, Jon and Theon will all have something to talk about. Perhaps by the end of season five somebody will be able to construct a complete Frankenstein's monster from all the hacked off body parts.
Back at Harenhal, Boss Bolton is having dinner with Jaime and Brienne. Brienne is wearing a dress which is about as natural a sight as a walrus wearing lederhosen. Bolton sees a quick payday so he lets Jaime know that he will send him back to King's Landing providing that he clears Bolton of any responsibility for the mutilation by his men. Jaime agrees but wants to take new gal pal Brienne back with him but Bolton isn't having a bar of it. He reminds Jaime that last time he pushed his luck he became 100% less efficient at the right hand part of the Hokey Pokey.
To King's Landing, comrades, and here's the match up we've all been waiting for! Cantankerous Tywin Lannister verus Power-Granny Olenna Tyrell. Tywin's all, "Sooo... how about Loras marries Cersei?" and Olenna's all, "Get stuffed! For real? Menopause, dude!" And Tywin is all, "Well you know that Loras is gay, right?" and Olenna's like, "You know that Cersei banged her brother and had a bastard sham king of a kid?" and Tywin's like, "Ok, but if you don't agree and sign here I'll put Loras in the Kingsguard and then he'll have zero kids and you Tyrell's are screwed!" And Olenna's like, "Nope! Your quill is screwed because I just snapped it in half! Good day!" This was the highlight of the episode. Personally I think Loras would love the Kingsguard. I think his response would be, "It's raining men. Hallelujah."
Speaking of Loras, he's reluctantly chinwagging with the batshit boring Sansa who is sickeningly excited about their impending nuptials while he's far more excited about her impeding wedding dress. It's all for nothing though, because meanwhile ice queen Cersei and demon monkey Tyrion are discussing their own shitty marriage situations. (Tyrion also twigs that it was evil king Joffrey The Joffster that gave the order to have him killed at Blackwater Bay). Tyrion ends up grudgingly going to Sansa who is inconveniently in her chamber with Tyrion's real love Shae. He has to tell them both that he's being forced to marry Sansa but we inexplicably don't get to see the momentous scene! Instead we later see Sansa bawling her eyes out in the garden at thought of having to marry an imp. "Sob... sob... I'll have to always wear kneepads!" Cheer up, Sansa. Maybe they'll be green and gold brocade.
And then human bowling ball, Varys catches Little Finger sizing up the Iron Throne, and Little Finger reveals that he's actually the biggest most ambitious bastard of the lot of them. He discovered prostitute Ros' betrayal and punished her by handing her over to a client with an "unusual" request. While Little Finger rants and raves like a power-hungry super villain, we cut to Joffrey's chambers where he brandishes his crossbow and... oh no... our favourite red-headed hooker Ros is tied to the bed, bloodied and dead, with arrows in places to delicate to mention. This is so fucked up! And another one of those sickening moments that makes me wonder why I keep watching this. For the nightmares? It's all so bleak and depraved. Are there no happy endings in Westeros? Oh yeah... Hot Pie stuffing his face in the bakery. I guess that was a win. But this was certainly an episode ending that left me numb.
Oh... but it's not quite the ending. Jon and Ygritte acutally make it to the top of The Wall and for the first time in her life she is able to look down, past the ice, to the rolling green lands. And it's not the only thing that's green. Jon and Ygritte share the biggest green screen kiss you have ever seen while a beautiful sunrise (or sunset?) is super-imposed behind them. They are like the first man and woman at the beginning of time. It would be stunning if I wasn't already so depressed.
Ros the prostitute. Never forget.
No comments:
Post a Comment