F**k Yeah Game of Thrones Recaps! Episode Two: Dark Wings, Dark Words!

After last week’s light and languid series return, this week’s Game of Thrones plays catch up with all the characters we missed. Yes, with approximately a thousand main characters - and new ones arriving all the time - it now takes this blood-and-boobs fantasy epic two solid hours just to give us a glimpse of everyone we know. It also requires a guide book to follow. That’s where I step in. I may not have read the books, or remember all the names, but by god am I going to recap the shit out of this episode for the good of the common woman/man.

If you want me to sketchily explain it to you... join me after the jump!

Crippled babby-Stark, Bran, is up to his old tricks again, dreaming about three-eyed ravens in the woods. And man, Bran has been thoroughly beaten with the puberty stick because he now looks about seventeen and is far too big for that giant to lift. Lazing in his little cart he looks more like a mop-haired stoner teen. Anyway, in his raven dream he is able-bodied, but instead of dreaming about Alyssa Milano or Sherilyn Fenn - like I would have done at that age - he is dreaming about the kid from Love Actually. The Love Actually kid tells Bran that he can’t kill the raven because he IS the raven. Puberty is confusing.

Later, out on the road, when waking Bran is back in his little cripple-cart, the kid from Love Actually actually rocks up and makes Bran’s wolf go ape-shit. Luckily my favourite wildling, Osha, readies to impale Love Actually on a stick. Did you know I met and interviewed Osha actress, Natalia Tena, last year? She touched my arm, and I never washed it again, and now it is a withered ghost arm. Anyway, it turns out that everything is totally cool. Love Actually is actually Jojen Reed who has been searching for Bran with his sister, Meera. The Reeds are total bros with the Starks and they actually want to help. Jojen can communicate with the wolf because Jojen has crazy animal/dream powers just like Bran. Apparently they are “wargs” which doesn’t mean that they are hairy and goblins ride them. Instead it means that they can see through animals eyes and also see distant events, or events that have even happened yet. That means Bran can probably peek into Episode Three and see if anything major is going to happen.

But Bran and Jojen aren’t the only "wargs". The idea is first established beyond The Wall where that bastard Jon Snow is still faffing around with Mance Rayder and his gang. The Office’s McKenzie Crook is all white-eyed while he hijacks the eyes of a circling raven. Jon is so shocked/impressed that he nearly has a facial expression. We also gain a bit of appreciation for workhorse, Mance, who has achieved a lot by managing to get all these filthy, hateful wildlings to work together. He is marching them south for their survival.

Someone who is not surviving too well, however, is fan-favourite fatty-boombatty Samwell. He’s struggling and crying through the snow, and is being ironically called “piggy” by a guy who is nearly as fat as he is. Samwell is falling behind the rest of the Night’s Watch but a ragged Commander Mormont isn’t having any of Sam’s crap and orders him to survive. Mormont then targets the filthy miscreant who called Sam “piggy” with the task of keeping Sam alive. Awesome! Now no one is happy!

Also unhappy is super-chav Theon Greyjoy who is now tied to a big wooden X in a dungeon while mysterious soldiers ask him stupid questions. It appears they aren’t interested in the answers and merely want to troll Theon, which they do quite effectively by sticking a knife in his finger and a corkscrew through his foot. Theon’s doing a lot of thrashing and screaming but don’t feel too bad for him, this is all karmic retribution for his rampant douchebaggery last season. A passing janitor who is sweeping up all the discarded fingernails reveals that he has been sent by Theon’s sister and will help break him out at nightfall. He then puts a bag over Theon’s head. And everyone who was watching in HD is grateful.

Elsewhere it’s bad news for Robb and the disgraced Catelyn Stark when raven mail reveals that Catelyn’s father has died AND everyone has been carved up at Winterfell, leading them to assume that Bran and Rickon are dead or missing. Catelyn combats her tears with some kickass weaving, which rouses the curiosity of Robb’s wife, Talisa, who can already see the Etsy dollar signs. A sour-faced Catelyn quickly shuts Talisa down and tells a story about all the times she’s prayed to Gods to kill her children. She wanted to accept that bastard Jon Snow as her own but just couldn’t commit to it, so she now thinks that all the hardship that has befallen the Starks is vengeful Godly wizardry. Did you know that the actress that plays Talisa is apparently Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter. I heard that and was like, “What?! But she doesn’t have the funny little moustache.” Maybe it’s somewhere we can’t see.

Back at King’s Landing, faux handmaiden Shae warns Sansa that the suddenly helpful Little Finger is probably just planning a way to bang her. Sansa is then intercepted by Lady Margaery of The Unrelenting Cleavage who spirits her to a sneaky garden party with uber grandmother, Olenna Tyrell, played to perfection by ex-Avenger Diana Rigg. Seriously, this character (and performance) was the highlight of the episode for me. Olenna is one sharp, witty, wiley down-to-earth lady who is clearly to going to play the hell out of the thrones game. Olenna demands the truth about The Joffrey Joffster and after much dodging, crying and spluttering Sansa finally blurts out what everybody already knew - The Joff is a monster. And not one of those fun, furry cookie monsters either.

And speaking of The Joff, while he’s getting all Project Runway in his chambers, his mother Cersei warns him that Margaery motives are suspect, considering her ample cleavage and sketchy past. Joff defends his new squeeze but it’s clear that the seeds of doubt have already been sown. Joff summons Margaery to his room and he interrogates her while menacingly stroking the badass crossbow that he uses as a substitute penis. And things usually go pear-shaped once that thing comes out. Luckily Margaery outs the late Renly which distracts the Joff with a bout of confused homophobia. Always the opportunist, it looks like Margaery’s plan is to beat this “monster” by becoming a monster herself so she pretty much asks if The Joff would get a kick out of seeing her kill someone with his bow. Of course he would! Haven’t you been watching the show!?

Shae returns to demon monkey Tyrion and he continues to worry for her safety. She allays these fears by performing fellatio. This happens underneath the view of the camera and gets me super concerned about the logistics. Normally this act would require one to bend to their knees, and yet he is already at knee height, so I assume she laid flat on her belly like an overly enthusiastic lizard. Don’t look at me like that. You were wondering about it too!

Finally we catch up with runaway Stark, Arya, who is faffing about in the forest with Gendry and the aptly named Hot Pie. They run into a group of Brothers Without Banners, led by the leering Thoros. It's tense for a moment but after some threatening, posturing, and firing arrows at Hot Pie, Thoros decides that it's all too hard and takes them all to the pub. Over lunch, Arya's ability to handle a sword comes into question and she takes a shot at Thoros who easily disarms her with a single action. Arya is shocked, but not as shocked as Ned Stark would have been if he knew he'd wasted all that money on that sword instructor. After a few lulz the kids decide to leave but are intercepted by more Brotherhood dudes who have captured the surly Hound! Shit gets super real as the scarred up Hound instantly recognises Arya Stark and calls her a naughty word. I don't know where this is going but it's pretty tense!

Also tense is Jamie Lannister being let back home by the giant lady knight Brienne. They trade plenty of zingers along the way before eventually submitting to a huge sword duel on a public bridge. I can't wait until someone makes the lightsaber version on youtube! Before either can kill/kiss they are interrupted by a group of sinister looking riders. These guys are pro Stark and they want to take Jamie back to Robb! And that's our cliffhanger. Will they succeed? Or will Brienne eat all their horses? Guess we're going to have to wait a week to find out!

What did you think of this episode? Are things slowly ramping up? Does anybody care? Hello????