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| These shields commemorate the lost nipples of Astapor. |
After getting thoroughly Luke Skywalkered last week, evil Jaime Lannister is still captive and looking like some kind of grizzled horseback hobo as the cruel Locke and gang drag him through the Riverlands. Completely emotionless and expressionless, Jamie seems to have descended into is own little world, no doubt pondering deep and philosophical questions like, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" We are off to a shitty start. Speaking of his severed hand, I'm relieved to learn that "And Now His Watch Has Ended" doesn't refer to Jaime's watch now constantly slipping off his wrist.
In true Game of Thrones fashion, Locke and Co. start speculating as to how many of the displaced fingers they could fit in Jaime's butt. Eventually Jaime falls off his horse altogether and makes a spirited attempt to sword fight while using his wrong hand. Needless to say he gets knocked into the dirt and they trick him into enthusiastically drinking horse piss. Later, at camp, woman/mountain Brienne scolds Jaime for giving up when he still maintains around 95% of his body. She also reveals that her family is not rich with mighty sapphires - a fact which Jaime clearly knew - so wonders why he lied to save her from attack last episode. We may never know because then we cut away to...
Kings Landing! Where diminutive demon-monkey Tyrion seeks the council of rotund hairless know-it-all Varys who is struggling with a large and ominous crate. Tryion seeks revenge on the jerk who's orders ended with him getting his mug cut up at the Battle of Black Water, and this leads Varys to finally tell the story of how he got his meat and potatoes lopped off. As a young boy he was an actor and somehow wound up the captive of a wicked sorcerer who slipped him some kind of magic mickey, cut off his twig and berries, and burned them to summon some mysterious spirit. Battling to survive, Varys has since been extending his influence in order to reach across the continent (and beyond) and seek his own revenge. (And he hates magicians! Take that Mellisandre!) And would you believe it - the very sorcerer from the story is squirming around in that very crate! What are the odds of that? It's amazing what what you can find on Medieval Ebay. Tyrion is all, "Cool story, bro," but I'm not entirely sure it helped him.
It's a very Varys-centric beginning to the episode because he then chats to firecrotch prostitute Ros who is still speculating on the sexual prowess of Tyrion's squire Podrick, which we all had a laugh about last week. Not sure this needed a callback as it's not essential to the story. It felt a little self congratulatory on the part of the writers who obviously had a lot of fun with it last week and wanted to remind us of their epic lulz again. But then, sweet babies, it's business time and Ros' keen detective works suggests that Little Finger is planning to smuggle Sansa out of King's Landing when he heads off to woo Lady Lysa Arren, Teen Breastfeeder/Queen of the Harpies. Varys is impressed.
Meanwhile, Ice Queen Cersei pulls up a chair to stone-cold Daddy Lannister, Tywin, who clearly doesn't have time for her bullshit. She insists that he puts too much import on his sons when it is in fact she who has proven the most useful. Unmoved, Tywin effortlessly lays the smack down, telling her that she is nowhere near as smart as she thinks she is. Well and truly pwned she makes a play against Margaery Tyrell of the Unrelenting Cleavage, claiming that she's a threat and has been manipulating young king Joffrey "The Joff "Joffster. Tywin says, "Good" because Cersei has been a crappy parent, allowing The Joff to run around being a total dickface.
Later, a macabre, cackling Joff proves this point by taking Margaery on a grisly tour of long dead and defeated enemies, with a sombre Cersei and sharp-witted, no-shit grandmother Olenna Tyrell in tow. Olenna points out that the men in her life have pretty much all been unrelenting dickfaces and implies that the women should be in charge, but the still stinging Cersei is pre-occupied with Joff who Margaery is in the process of convincing to step outside and meet with the common people. Mesmerised by her cleavage, The Joff complies and they step out in front of the teeming crowd. Most of the filthy peasants seem more enraptured in the charming Margaery but The Joff stands proud and does a few reassuring fist pumps. This is all well and good but what happened to that plot thread left dangling the last time we saw these two, when Margaery was caressing his crossbow and talking about how Joff might like to see her kill someone? Now it's all nicey nice again. I thought she was prepared to become a monster! What are you playing at, girl? I still don't know who the real Margaery is.
But then it's a triple dose of Varys because he heads to the garden for a sneaky chat with aforementioned super-granny Olenna Tyrell. The two are a good match (plus they're both draped in very fetching curtains) and risk being caught in an endless, unbreakable cycle of smug. Varys gives her the skinny that Little Finger is perhaps one of the most dangerous doods on the entire show who keeps climbing the ranks and, if he were to control Sansa, could end up with a great deal of power if dullard Robb Stark fails. Varys and Olenna high-five and start hatching a plan to give Little Finger the middle finger.
And finally we catch up again with Sansa who is outside praying for... I don't know... what do young girls pray for? Lollipops and My Little Ponies? Until foxy Margaery struts down to prey on her, first spinning a bullshit story about a pig and a porridge plague, and then suggesting that perhaps Sansa would be happier if she married long-haired layabout Loras Tyrell (so dreamy!) and then the two of them would be sisters. Sansa is thrilled! Hey now hang on a minute, Sansa. You already have a sister and her name is...
Arya Stark and Gendry have designer bags over their heads and are lead into the cave headquarters of The Brotherhood Without Banners. They are no prisoners per se, but this cave is totally secret like the Batcave. That's why butler Alfred always wears a bag over his head and is constantly spilling the tea. Scarred monster, The Hound, is still captive, however, and once there we meet the leader of the BWB, Beric, the same dude that was sent out to capture/kill The Hound's mean brother, The Mountain, when he killed all those kids in season one. Except now Beric has an eyepatch and is played by a different guy. The Hound does not wish to be held accountable for his brother's crimes and taunts his captors claiming that he isn't a murderer, although Arya says otherwise, as she is the only one who remembers the baker's boy he ran down a billion episodes ago. Beric sentences Hound to trial by combat and the two of them prepare for inevitable chaos.
Oh and Bran? He's still dreaming about having working legs and three eyed crows. Love Actually's Jojen is watching on, giving him spirit advice and Bran scrambles up a tree to catch the crow. But then a dream version of Catelyn Stark turns up to screech at Bran, scolding him for climbing and sending him to his room. Totally sprung, boofhead Bran falls out of the tree. Does this mean he'll now be crippled in his dreams as well?
Man, there is a lot to keep up with this episode. Let's cross to super chav, Theon, who is still on the run with the friendly janitor who rescued him. The janitor leads him to a tunnel entrance to a castle where his sister is said to be waiting. Deep in the tunnels Theon suddenly has a teary revelation where he's like, "Oh shit... I just realised. Perhaps murdering innocent children is wrong. And I was a total dick to the Starks and should never have betrayed them. Ned was my real daddy. I am a big jerk." Good work, Theon. You're slowly getting it. But all of this seems to be a big waste of everybody's time because the supposedly friendly janitor leads Theon STRAIGHT BACK INTO THE DUNGEON OF HIS CAPTORS! WTF!? The Janitor claims that Theon killed his pursuers (even though we know it was the janitor who killed them while rescuing Theon) and then the angry guards string a screaming Theon back to his torture cross. OK, I have NO idea what is going on here now, nor do I know the motives of this triple-crossing janitor character. I kind of felt like Theon was being led back to the same torture room but I figured that his sister would be there and this would have been a long-winded, elaborate ruse to teach him humility. But if that was the case, why would the Janitor a) save him from the rape, and b) kill those guys and lie about it? I don't know WTF. Guess I'll have to keep watching.
OK. Now that was all the complicated stuff. Now for the fun stuff as we wrap this one up.
Beyond the wall at filthy Craster's Keep, the surviving members of the Night's Watch are restless and hungry. They're convinced that Craster doesn't just have a billion incest daughters, but also a secret larder of delicious, warming food. Tensions run high until finally one particularly belligerent, stone faced watchman calls Craster a bastard and demands some dinner. Naturally Commander Mormont is horrified at this total lack of ettiquette and orders the soldier outside but it's far too late for that. All hell break's loose as Craster attacks with an axe and receives a knife in throat for his trouble. He dies, gurgling like Jabba the Hutt. Mormont joins the fight but is stabbed in the back and, as he dies, all the mutinous Watchmen are hacking away at each other like a pack of hungry animals. Cunning chubbster, Samwell, takes this opportunity to GTFO of there, stopping by Craster's daughter Gilly and seizing the opportunity to escape with her and her bouncing baby boy. The three of them bugger off into the snow amid shouted threats that they will be tracked down and killed. I have no idea how Sam - who had enough trouble surviving on his own - will survive with a lady and a baby, but if worst comes to the worst I guess they could slit him open and climb inside him to keep warm.
And the moment you've been waiting for... Daenerys steps into action. As the eight thousand members of the slave army assemble in the courtyard of Astapor, Daenerys fulfils her part of the bargain and trades her biggest dragon, passing its leash to the sharp-tongued slavemaster as it circles overhead. Daenerys tests out her new army with a few key commands - walk forward, walk backward, put your left hand in and shake it all about - and once satisfied she begins to speak to the slavemaster... in his own tongue! WHAT!!!!? She could understand his foul comments about her all along!? Naturally he is horrified, recalling all the things that he has said about her ass, so she follows this by ordering the slaves to slay all their masters! The slaves begin skewering anyone who has a whip and Daenerys commands the circling dragon to barbecue the still shocked boss. He lights up like a Christmas tree and the dragon is returned to its doting mother. Daenerys offers the assembled army a chance to escape unharmed or to fight for her as free men. After such a blatant display of unbridled badassery, naturally they are all instant members of her burgeoning fan club. As the dragons take to the skies, the huge army marches forward while Daenerys leads them on a white horse. Everybody watching at home is so pumped up that they start doing actual backflips. Well played, Game of Thrones.
And considering we are just shy of half-way through the season, there is still plenty of good times to go. Did this one reignite your Throner boner? Let me know!
My Throner Boner has never been anything but rigid and engorged.
ReplyDeleteBut hotdamn it was awesome to see Daenerys totally pwn those slaver doods.