Thursday Threesome: The Top Three Irrational Pop Culture Fears of my Childhood!

Thursday Threesome is the weekly opportunity for one of the fine Fruitless Pursuits contributors to share and discuss a set of three... well, just about anything! I’m going to use my turn by delighting you with... The Top Three Irrational Pop Culture Fears of my Childhood!

Now let’s be perfectly honest. I was kind of a pussy kid, afraid of my own shadow, burdened by an overactive imagination and - if the following stories are any indication - most probably suffering from some degree of undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder. I had plenty of little rituals to keep me “safe” that nobody really ever knew about. My recent trip back to my hometown has convinced me that this all stemmed from spending those formative years without a father and in a small and relatively isolated city. I think I felt vulnerable. But let’s not analyse me, let’s find out why Yoda is terrifying.

That story and more... after the jump!

1.
So as a very young child I was collecting Star Wars figures - especially creatures and robots - without a massive knowledge of the actual films. This was a year or two before Return of the Jedi, and I had seen Star Wars but wasn’t overly familiar (and generally a little bored by) The Empire Strikes Back. One of the earliest figures I received was Yoda and while that may have been a boon for some, this tiny figure then went on to scare the absolute shit out of me.

And he is one scary puppet when you actually stop to think about it, especially if you’re a small child and have very little context to the character. To me he was a wrinkled ghoulish green demon with suspiciously needle-like teeth. The figure also had inexplicably orange eyes which made him all the more unsettling.

You’d think my story would end there, but what makes it worth telling is that I dealt with this fear by making somewhat of a “pact” with my Yoda figure. I had one of those rectangular vinyl Star Wars carry cases which contained two tiers of compartmentalised trays for storing figures. I would always be sure to place Yoda on the top tier and give him an obsequious pat before closing the lid. At this young age I believed that this show of respect would provide protection against him unleashing holy hell on me. In retrospect I have no idea how he would do this at a diminutive two inches, but the force works in mysterious ways.

This was all soon exacerbated when a well-meaning aunt posted me the rubber Yoda hand puppet which was far more realistic and terrifying with sharper teeth and rooted wiry hair. 

No such respect or ritual was given to this Yoda who was quickly banished to the bottom of the toy box where he would have to fight his way past many muscular Masters of the Universe to get me.

2.
Batman failed to make an impact on me as a child and I felt nothing for the re-runs of the sixties Adam West show and would only peripherally absorb the animated Super Friends if there was nothing else on. (We had one commercial TV channel growing up so chances are there was nothing else on). However, I have a vivid memory of being frightened by the animated version of the Joker.

Now bear in mind that this is long before Jack Nicholson, or The Killing Joke or anything dark and demented. This was the Joker whose nastiest trick was surprising you with a joy buzzer or constructing a giant jack-in-the-box. To be honest, Ronald McDonald was scarier because he had real world consequences. And yet I have a vivid memory of the Joker laughing maniacally (in truth he was probably barely moving and animated akwardly) while Batman and Robin slid perilously down a chute.

It must have some sort of lasting impact on me because I recall colouring with Crayola markers and being incredibly reluctant to use a particular shade of green because it reminded me of the Joker’s hair. How wonderful that I am only sharing this now and thus saved my mother from a trip to a child psychologist.

3.
This one probably seems the most obvious because Ghostbusters was a pretty scary movie at times. We were all freaked out by the shock scare of the librarian ghost, and I found the corpse taxi driver troubling, but I still was all amped about Ghostbusters. I had books, a T-shirt, the soundtrack and eventually the video game on the Commodore 64.

But things went scarily pear-shaped when I acquired a Ghostbusters poster. It was very simple - just the four guys looking upwards from a dark, misty background without a single ghost in sight. 

But mere hours after proudly putting it up, I bellowed for it to be taken down because it “reminded me of all the scary things in the movie”. What a total pussy.

Although the more I think about it, you know what I think the scariest part of Ghostbusters is? It’s that song, “I Believe it’s Magic” by the ironically named Mick Smiley. It plays after the dickless Walter Peck has released all the ghosts from the containment system and the purple light roams through the city skies. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is but I still find that song startlingly unsettling and foreboding. Give it a listen and see what you think:

Holy crap! The only thing that comes close to being as scary as this song is Eye of the Tiger.

What stupid things scared the crap out of you?