Nerdcraft: Etsy Disney roundup

Oh my lord, has there ever been a barrel of worms like a Disney Etsy trawl. I was initially a little disheartened by the pages upon pages of Mickey silhouettes, but switching to searching for movie titles made a big difference. And by a big difference, I mean a will-I-ever-be-clean-again difference.

Brace yourself for fan art, mermaid sex and crochet! (Marginal NSFW - depending on your company policy towards cross-species sexual acts)

Lets start off tameish, and only mildly incredulous.

I don't really follow the logic here. Crochet (i.e. wool) is typically worn for warmth. And more to the point, there is no baby alive who will remain wearing this unsettling two piece for more than sixty seconds, tops. Thus it can't really be worn out, it's too cold to be worn for lols in the comfort of your home - so what the hell is it for? For the pure Anne Geddes fetishism? Urk.

And these I think are gorgeous, though I don't know how anyone could bring themselves to subject them to the crudeness of walking. This seller's actually done a huge range of Disney themed painted shoes, and they're truly lovely. I have to scatter the artistic merit evenly through this post, in order to spare us from nightmares. Which this next one will do nothing to help:

The caption for this one is: "Ursula, Evil Queen, "The Little Mermaid" Disney, Paper Mache, Hand-Painted, Nice". NO THIS IS NOT NICE. This is a vision of cold sweat inducing gluey horror.  Click on the link and check out the mask being modelled for additional terror.

Lets dial back the squirming with something that's plain, old-fashioned tacky.

Here's a hint, ladies; if you're hoping for attention to be pulled to the soles of your feet, your priorities are all wrong, and your wedding night with your new husband will be a mass of awkward clammy squidging. Never summon up Mickey Mouse on your happiest day. Just don't. 

The horror of this is two-fold - firstly that such a thing exists, and secondly that it's presence alerted my brain to the phrase "Diaper Cake". What manner of evil is this? This isn't actually a thing, is it? It's not some perverse American secret to skeeve out the rest of the populace? If you hadn't gathered, it's a wedding-cake shaped thing formed of diapers and baby-changing gear. Is there anyone alive who could accept a gift of this thing and be honestly grateful? Useful, sure, but so is hemorrhoid cream. You just keep that crap out of the gifting process.

I honestly have no idea how I feel about this. It sort of molests my brain, but I'm so fascinated. And I'd definitely say it captures the general vibe of the scene it's from. I'm also stunned that someone would put the time into a Frollo watercolor. Also that they're confident enough that it'll have an audience that they're selling it.

My grandma would go mad for this. They're simple little ribbon creations attached to headbands and hair clips, and the sellers done a whole range of Disney princesses, and I really like them. I think it says a lot for Disney's design (and this ladies skill) that a character can be made recognizable with so little in the way of finer features. 

Look, Disney enthusiasts, you can't have it both ways. Either Esmeralda is too a.) old, b.) Romany and c.) completely non-Princess for the Disney canon (which is the attitude they've taken thus far) or she's a spritely, fun lovin gal just trying to make ends meet in the big city i.e. outrun the maniacal genocide closing on her heels. Only one of these options validates an ultra-cute, flirty ice skating costume. All I can assume is that the seamstress in question has never actually seen Hunchback. 

I like these. One of the common themes in a lot of these Etsy roundups is the re-imagined poster, and there's some really lovely ones out there. And ultra-modern, ultra-clean is a great choice for Pixar. Monster's Inc., in particular, could stand very strongly on it's own. But omg so good. Definitely worth checking out the store as well, lots of sweet-as Star Wars and Avengers and all kinds of goodness.

Mermaid porn incoming. I promise. Bear with me.

Another poster re-do, and I actually took a second to see the faces which always impresses me. I wonder if it's intentionally Twilight-esque. Probably. This seller's done a range, and I also really like the Bambi one. 

Okay. We've made it thus far. In all my movie searches, the one to turn up the most ill-envisioned, inept smut was easily The Little Mermaid, which is perplexing because assuredly a lady who is half fish is more likely to be of the spawns-eggs-and-swims-away variety. Nevertheless, let the fan art begin.

Ah, stripper Ariel. You are the classiest. I like the little details in this one - the money tucked in, the cigarette, the tatts. I think this ones vaguely creepy, but also veering quite close to good. You be the judge. 

Brace yourself. 

I was tempted to show the uncensored one, but the misspelling was too gold to leave it alone ("Uncencored") . In case it's not immediately bleeding obvious, this is Ariel getting rogered by Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America. Putting aside the bewildering biology of the above image, Ariel herself is an obvious image copy not to mention epically smaller and disproportional against the Cap. And the Cap looks like he's meditating. Or experiencing reflux. Or just generally crappily painted. And Ariel's holding dogtags, which apparently clarify that the piece is a statement on Marvel screwing over Disney. Mhm. Good luck with that.

My poor overloaded brain.  Any preferences for the next Etsy roundup, be my guest and post them in the comments and I will regroup, skull some whiskey and get back in there.

Cheers team!