Forget Halo 4, I'm Playing Candy Crush Saga

Guys, I have a problem: I'm addicted to a Facebook game.

Here I am, typing away on a multi-hundred dollar PC that can play Diablo 3 to its hearts content, basically using my XBox as a glorified Roku box, watching a whole shelf of books go unread, and why?

Candy Crush Saga.

I hate myself so much right now.

So what is Candy Crush Saga, you ask? It's another one of Facebook's stupid "social games." They're pretty much all crap, as you know - Bejeweled Blitz was fun and all, but it was an established game with a neat twist to it, and it transcended the whole Facebook thing anyway. But Civilization on Facebook? Crap. Farmville? Laughable. Heck, Facebook games are so bad a game where you simply click a cow was made as a joke and your grandmother certainly still ate it up. It's tragic.

So what makes Candy Crush Saga different? I honestly have no idea, except that I can't stop playing it right now. It's very Bejeweled-esque puzzler where you have to match candies, and you match them a certain way and you get bonus candies that do bonus things, and the cute little girl who finds unicorns and candy monsters gets all happy for you when you clear all the jelly and OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

And I cannot stop. It's terrible. I play new levels to try and get as far as possible, and when I'm stuck, I go back and try to beat the scores my friends put up. Why? Because I just want to match candy all the time. All. The. Time.

I refuse to spend money on the thing. I'm not giving Facebook a red cent to play a matching game, which means that I stay stuck on a level for a week because you only get 5 plays at a time and I refuse to spend money on the little lollipop that will crush candy for me. Which means now Facebook is getting clicks and eyeballs on their ads from me while I sit three games behind in Assassin's Creed because, hey, there are jelly beans to match!

It's really the worst thing ever, and I'm a worse off person because of it. I hid all the progress from my Facebook timeline because I was so embarrassed by it. I played the other, even worse games, just to get Candy Crush items - stay far, far away from Pet Rescue Saga, as it has no redeeming value whatsoever. I need an intervention group, stat.

Help me, please. Help me.