Review: Ewok Overload! Hasbro's Exclusive Ewok Figure Packs!

Let me tell you something about ewoks. Something you won't learn in your fancy schools. Ewoks are awesome. I don't want to hear a word about "teddy bears" or "merchandise" or "cutesy cash-cows". Ewoks are badass little murder-bears who practice witchcraft and frigging eat people. They were going to eat Han Solo and absorb his powers of smuggling, smirking and macking on ladies. If you're too cynical to appreciate an ewok then I am done with you.

Hasbro's 3 3/4 inch action figure line only manages to pump out an ewok once or twice a year but, for some inexplicable reason, 2012 has become the ewok mother lode! This year we get no less than seven unique new arboreal bear-buggers for our shelves, thanks to two new multipacks. The only catch? They are both hard-to-find US exclusives, one from Toys R Us and the other from K-Mart.

But lookee here, I managed to find them both!

And if you want to know what I thought of these fuzzy fuggers... join me after the jump!

So the first set is the Toys R Us exclusive five pack that feature more fur, bones and teeth than you can shake a spear at...

Included in this generous box set is Flitchee, Nanta, superstar Teebo, (Princess) Kneesaa, and Tippet, whoever the hell he is.

And on the back is a picture of these ewoks rocking the hell out, having a hardcore ewok jamboree, no doubt high on human blood. Yub nub!

And the second set is a K-Mart exclusive two-pack with this sweet retro design...

Do you remember the olden days when you would buy toys in a box that didn't actually show the figures inside. In fact a lot of the time you would just get a whimsical painting full of dinosaurs and robots and lasers and when you opened it up it would be a total piece of crap carved out of an old potato. I guess at least this box shows images of the actual figures, although I will say that this is a hell of a big box for two tiny ewok bastards.

Here's the back which looks pretty much the same as the front.

So these guys are Wunka who/whatever the hell he is, and Widdle Warrick who I know to be Wicket's older bro. Welcome to the family!

But let's erratically switch back to that five pack and crack it open - like an ewok cracking open a human skull with a sharp rock...

Something you may notice here is that most of the ewoks come with alternative hoods and weaponry. I guess the theory is that you could buy two of these things and mix up the hoods to create many more ewoks. Considering how scarce and expensive these are at the moment I am going to dismiss such a suggestion as crazy talk.

But these longshots aren't doing the figures justice. Check out this close up ewok craziness!

Even as a child I was kind of terrified by ewok lips. "Too cute" people claim? "Bull. Shit." I counter. Plus they are freaky as all hell without their hoods on...

So this guy is called Flitchee because he constantly flinches and is constantly itchy. Did you notice he is also packing heat like a little gangsta? Here he is in his other hood...

They're all quite articulated for little bear buggers and can be posed pretty easily despite their tiny size. I think that's the only helpful action figure review thing I'm going to say tonight because I really just want to make dumb jokes about ewoks.

Actually no - let me say something poignant first. After 30 plus years it's hard to keep that nostalgic Star Wars buzz but these feel more like vintage figures than ever. Opening these up I was really transported back to getting ewoks as a kid. I had a horrendous asthma attack when I was little and spent three days in an oxygen tent and I remember being given an ewok as a gift. It was Chief Chirpa who is the granddaddy boss ewok. He has eaten so many people that the statistics would shock you.

Here's Nanta. What's his problem?

He looks a little old and sad to me. He's also the only ewok who doesn't have another hood. He probably snagged it on a bramble bush which is why he's so old and sad and stinky. Here's some drumsticks to cheer him up...

But he doesn't have a drum. Guess it sucks to be Nanta.

Teebo on the other hand is totally pimp...

Wearing a hollowed out pig head he's quite a prominent on-screen ewok and I think he's Wicket's best friend and they're always bumping fists. He's definitely one of the more iconic ones. Interestingly though, he does have a similar but different headdress which has the piece around his neck...

A google image search seems to suggest that there's conflicting source images for Teebo that show both styles so it's cool that Hasbro ponied up the cash to include them both. Now all the angry Teebo purists will be consoled.

Actually he's a huge improvement on the last Teebo we got. The original modern release ewoks were a lot larger and weren't nearly as screen accurate. Here he is next to the Teebo of a few years ago for comparison...

Huge improvements in scale, detail and articulation. In fact the only bad thing about all these new figures is that they make my old ones look terrible. Way to go, Hasbro!

This next one is an interesting choice. It's Princess Kneesa who was prominent in the old ewok animated series...

You can tell she's the girl ewok because she's wearing pink. Why not put a bra on her as well. Maybe some lipstick and some high heels. I hear that many young ewok warriors were killed trying to retrieve the rare pigment to dye her cowl.

Well if the pink is to bright and cartoony for you then never fear - she can also wear this bland, washed-out hood instead...

WTF?! Now she looks like a goddamned boy! No way, man. I'm sticking with the pink!

And lastly we have Tippet. 

He's an angry looking ewok with a Mola Ram skull hat. He also has a pretty scary knife. His catchphrase is, "Imma cut you, mang!"

If you'd like to cool his jets a little then he has some more subdued headwear here...

But he's still going to shiv you in the showerblock I'm afraid.

Okay, so that's those five, let's open up that K-Mart two-pack. This guy is Wunka...

HOLY CRAP! That's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen! Look at the grill on that maniac! It's the stuff of nightmares. Seriously... people bitching that ewoks were too cute hadn't yet had the shit scared out of them by this guy!

And then finally we have big bro Widdle Warrick, named for constantly playing with his widdle during important ewok ceremonies...

That guy has a pretty creepy leer too. Looks like he's picking human gristle out of his teeth.

But overall I can't stress enough how happy I am at this ewok bounty! It's nearly as many ewoks as we've had in all the previous years combined. And look at this happy little village together!

This picture totally warms my heart. I may be culling down my Star Wars collection lately but I will always have room for ewoks! That's a win, Hasbro! Take a bow, you deserve it!