The Batman '89 Soundtrack: A Critical Evaluation of How Each Song Pertains to Prince's Penis.

Another great find at this past weekend’s vintage/retro market was one of the most notorious soundtracks of all time! On vinyl! Yes, I’m talking about the pumping, Mardi Gras, sex music that diminutive pop-star Prince wrote and performed for Tim Burton’s dark, brooding Batman ‘89.

This album has long been a source of fascination and speculation for me (I once wrote a briefer post about it on my now defunct personal blog). It’s so tonally different from the film that I can’t help but wonder how such a strange marriage exists. It’s like Burton approached Prince and said, “Hey... can you write nine songs about Batman?” and Prince replied, “Well... I don’t know a whole lot about Batman, but I can write nine songs about something that I do know quite a lot about... my penis.” And Burton said, “Close enough.”

Let’s look at each sex-fuelled song, one-by-one... after the jump!

So according to the all-knowing and powerful Wikipedia, Prince was chosen as part of a contractual agreement to utilise Warner Bros. talent. The album was (vigorously and sweatily) pumped out in a mere six weeks and three of the songs were written by Prince the year before which goes a long way to explain why they have absolutely nothing to do with Batman but a whole lot to do with Prince’s cock.

The album, of course, is split into two sides because not only does vinyl sound better but it also blesses you, the enthusiast, with the pleasure of having to stop what you’re doing, get out of your chair, and change the record over every 4-5 songs. Let’s expand our minds with Side One. And it’s a slow start - but stick with it - it ramps up after that!

SIDE ONE

"The Future" – 4:07
Point-of-view character: Batman? Or is it Jack Napier/Joker? We think it’s Batman because it opens with Batman’s “tell all your friends about me” quote. But it’s Jack Napier who explicitly mentions ‘the future’ when he’s ‘running the show’. Did you know that the fat, greasy cop that Jack is talking to is played by Porkins from Star Wars? Typecast!

What does it sound like?: Glum. Brooding. Ominous. Funky.

What’s it about?: The protagonist has had visions of a rough, inevitable future, which apparently works and is accepted. Actually I don’t really know what this song is about. I’m assuming that it kind of works for both Joker and Batman who are each going to extremes to combat the dark, depressing future that awaits them. Their desperation has led to a radical course of action. They’re going to ignore distractions designed to control/sedate them and push past the pack. I’m reading a lot more into this than the song deserves.

Batman quotient: Low. Starts with a Batman but has nothing to do with wearing a cowl or dangling thugs off a rooftop.

Prince’s penis quotient: Surprisingly zero. This might be the only song on the entire album not about Prince’s dick.

"Electric Chair" – 4:08
Point-of-view character: Prince.

What’s it sound like?: A short, high-pitched man humping your ear.

What’s it about?: Written before the film, this is Prince seeing a girl on the dance floor and desperately wanting to bang her. The chorus: “If a man is considered guilty for what goes on in his mind / give me the electric chair for all my future crimes” is no doubt referring to all the dirty and deviant things that he’s going to do this poor, unsuspecting woman. “You’re face looked so good / wanted to touch your mouth/My brain is jacking all over the place.” He later explicitly states that these are “crimes of passion” he is referring to.

Batman quotient: Zero. The stoic Batman never has and never will “jack all over the place” I assure you.

Prince’s penis quotient: Very high. This song is ALL about Prince’s pre-meditated penis crimes.


"The Arms of Orion" – 5:02
Point-of-view character: I guess it’s Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale. I guess?

What does it sound like?: A turgid love ballad. Largely insufferable.

What’s it about?: Prince gets romantic for a rare moment as two star-crossed lovers, metaphorically “worlds apart”, pray that they will be together. It seems odd that either Bruce or Vikki would feel this kind of intense love for each other seeing as how, in the film, they’ve known each other for about two awkward days. I don’t know why Prince is being so romantic in this one but I find it highly suspicious/sinister. Like buying a girl flowers and chocolates before trying to stick it in her butt.

Batman quotient: Non existent. I guarantee that Batman is not actually “searching 4 a lover in the Sea of Tranquility”.

Prince’s penis quotient: Moderate. This is the calm before the storm.


"Partyman" – 3:11
Point-of-view character: The Joker.

What does it sound like?: A funky ejaculation.

What’s it about?: The Joker has arrived and here’s some huge party music to usher him in (“All hail the new king in town”). “Rules and regulations” don’t apply to this party guy! This one actually seems motivated by the story until the bridge when Prince’s wily penis worms it’s way in. “Aint’ nothing but a muffin / we gotta lotta butter to go” is most probably referring to a lady’s “muffiin” and then... “but don’t come now / And if it break when it bend, you better not put it in” alludes to the wild ride he’s going to give it. Suddenly this song is no longer about the Joker.

Batman quotient: Zero.

Prince’s penis quotient: High. It arrives late but is reassuringly strong and flexible.


"Vicki Waiting" – 4:52
Point-of-view character: Bruce Wayne.

What does it sound like?: A funkier ballad than the slow romantic one.

What’s it about?: Apparently this song was originally written about Prince’s then girlfriend Anna, but it was changed to Vicki to fit into the film. But it doesn’t fit. According to the lyrics Bruce is keeping Vicki “waiting” by refusing to have children with her because of his own insecurities: “Talk of children still frightens me / is my character enough 2 be? / One that deserves a copy made? / This I one day, I hope 2 see”. Like I said, Bruce has only known her for a couple of days, so if he’s really thinking all these things then he’s creepier than the Joker.

Batman quotient: High. A whole verse has had the lyrics changed to Batman references, a rarity on this album! Gotham City is mentioned and then: “U see, when crime is your only love” and “whatever floats this Joker's boat / Is whatever this Joker will bang”. Joker’s going to bang everybody?

Prince’s penis quotient: High. He still talks explicitly about penis by attributing Bruce with: “I tell her the joke about the woman / Who asked her lover - "Why is your organ so small?" / He replied, "I didn't know I was playin' in a cathedral" / Vicki didn't laugh at all”. Vicki hates it when you refer to her vagina as a cathedral, you guys.


SIDE TWO

"Trust" – 4:24
Point-of-view character: Joker.

What does it sound like?: A sex-drenched Mardi Gras.

What’s it about?: At a parade the Joker tries to earn the trust of Gotham’s citizens but according to the song it’s so he can have sex with them - “What makes U a real lover?” “I want U 2 be with me.” There’s a line: “Sex - it’s not that type of party” but yet the entire song is about sex including: “Hot - I get so excited / Just thinkin' about all we could do” and “Hot and close, dig it now / Ooh, that feels good / Ha, ha, ha”. I guess the Joker is luring the crowd with his Siren sex song so that he can gas them all? Weird.

Batman quotient: A big zero.

Prince’s penis quotient: Moderate. Not his most explicit yet his intentions are clear.


"Lemon Crush" – 4:15
Point-of-view character: Prince

What’s it sound like?: Somebody reporting an in-progress sex crime.

What’s it about?: Prince is intensely lusting after someone or something. “Lemon crush” is a euphemism something filthy no doubt. Classic lyrics like: “ Girl, I like it, I like it / Baby I'm ready, ready, ready / Oh, every time U do me - do me baby!” Prince is definitely jacking all over the place during this song.

Batman quotient: Not a Batman character or concept to be seen.

Prince’s penis quotient: Bursting at the seams.

"Scandalous"
Point-of-view character: Prince.

What’s it sound like: A slow, wailing sex ballad that will make you feel genuinely embarrassed for everyone involved, especially you for listening to it.

What’s it about?: Prince’s raging hard-on. If “Lemon Crush” made you uncomfortable then he lets it all hang out in “Scandalous”, another song that was written before the movie. This song is a pornographic smorgasbord featuring lines such as “Feel what U been dyin' 4 / Don't be afraid, baby / Touch it and explode” and “I can't wait, baby / Till I can wrap my legs all around U girl” plus “2night why don't we skip all the foreplay, mama / And just get down here on the floor”.

Batman quotient: No other song is less about Batman than this one. Ever.

Prince’s penis quotient: Astronomically high. And engorged with blood.


"Batdance" – 6:13
Point-of-view character: Batman/Joker/Prince.

What does it sound like?: The most famous song, it’s a medley of Batman and Joker samples from the film, interspersed with masturbation.

What’s it about?: You think it’s about the battle raging between Batman and Joker but it’s actually a threeway battle between Batman, Joker and Prince’s spam javelin. He manages to get his penis all over this song with lines such as: “Ooh yeah, ooh yeah I wanna bust that body” and “Hey Ducky, let me stick this 7-inch in the computer.”

Batman quotient: Reasonably high but he’s losing the battle here.

Prince’s penis quotient: High. The true champion of this song.

And there you have it, folks. Nine songs, eight of which are all about Prince's penis. And two that are kind of about Batman but also about Prince's penis. And one that really isn't about anything. Do you remember this fine soundtrack? If not, I really hope this inspires you to give it a listen. But please... use suitable protection. HAVE FUN OUT THERE!