10 Ways Peter Jackson Could Stretch Out The Hobbit Into Even More Movies!

So hirsute director Peter Jackson officially confirmed rumours today that wafer-thin children’s book The Hobbit will be expanded upon even further to become three movies instead of two. There’s a growing trend of splitting up single books into multiple movies, so I say to Mr. Jackson, why stop at three? Why not twelve? Or fifteen? Or Twenty-Three? The whole world has gone Hobbit crazy with anticipation - everyone is eating ‘taters, not wearing shoes, and even the most elegant ladies are proudly growing out the hair on their feet, so why not capitalise on this as much as you can? I would buy a hobbit right now if I could. THREE IS NOT ENOUGH. I vote to stretch out our Hobbit out for at least the rest of the decade.

Now, I realise that stretching things further will take a bit of work, so I’m offering the following ten suggestions/solutions free-of-charge. That’s how keen I am to make this thirty-five movie opus happen!

1. All walking scenes will now happen in real time.
2. Bilbo will develop a wicked stutter. At points in the story it will get so bad that he will have to play charades to get his point across to the dwarves.
3. Gandalf becomes is now incredibly forgetful and indecisive. An hour in they have to double back to fetch his pipe when he realises that he left it back in Bilbo’s hole. This happens three times.
4. All songs immediately demand an encore.
5. Smaug painstakingly catalogues every single item in his treasure hoard. Does a double-check.
6. Extended scenes of Boromir. As a baby.
7. Gollum has narcolepsy. The other characters patiently wait as they are too polite to wake him.
8. All footnotes and appendices will be read aloud in their entirety. By an Ent.
9. Two additional films will be comprised solely of endings.
10. The films will now be shot at 12 frames per second.

I’ve already started queuing for Hobbit Eighteen in 2020!