As always I should remind you that I have not read the books and that all these events are new to me. I will not even attempt to recount them in the order that they appeared in the show, but will instead group stories by character. We cool? Cool.
So, scruffy seadog Theon Greyjoy kicks off by making everybody’s collective shit list when he lays the smack down on Winterfell. Robb Stark and Theon were once like brothers, but Theon has embraced his salty heritage and seizes the fine, furred folk of Winterfell in an attempt to impress his raving father.
Lord of Winterfell, lil’ crippled Bran Stark is none to impressed and refuses to back down, but Theon will slaughter everyone in the city without Brann’s submission. Sadly, Brann’s not yet at the point where he can thrust his consciousness into his wolf and bite Theon’s chop off. So out in the courtyard a sulky Bran tells everyone to acknowledge Prince Theon, new owner of Castle Winterfell, although the assembled northerners aren’t too impressed. It should also be noted that Theon isn’t carrying out this takeover with a lot of aplomb. He’s pretty nervous about the whole thing and obviously still feels some sort of connection to the Starks although he’s forced to act like a dick in front of his crew.
Wildling captive Osha, decides to defect to Theon, offering her services and further traumatising Bran. She points out that Bran’s dream of Winterfell submitting to the sea is becoming true and she doesn’t want to end up drowned or uncomfortably filled with sand.
Things go from bad to worse when a bloodied Ser Rodrick is dragged into the courtyard and has some heated words with Theon. An incensed Rodrick hocks a big old glob of spit into Theon’s unshaven mug and it seems like the only recourse is to lop off Rodrick’s head before it starts spitting again. Rodrick suggests that only a coward wouldn’t carry out the sentence himself so Theon’s forced to pull out his sword (not the pork sword he normally pulls out) and takes a swing at Rodrick’s copious neck. But he’s no Ned Stark when it comes to head-chopping and it takes the pussy Theon about a billion hits. He eventually has to punt what’s left of the head off the neck. This is all kinds of medieval embarrassing.
Meanwhile, at the King’s Landing harbour, Queen Cersei cries as her young daughter is shipped off to be married to some foreign miscreant. Super imp turned demon monkey, Tyrion, watches stoically and Cersei tells him that she hopes he really loves something someday so she can take it away. Yikes! Shae better watch her shit.
As the royal party returns to the castle the assembled peasants grow unruly and one go-getter lobs a turd at bastard King Joffrey’s pointy little face. Joff demands that everyone is murdered and the crowd riots, attacking the guards and pulling some tubster’s arm off!
The violence escalates as a screeching Joffster is roughly buffeted indoors and Tyrion takes this opportunity to totally lose his shit at him. I don’t think we’ve ever seen Tyrion so out-of-control and angry! He slaps Joff hard across the nog in an act that is sure to make gif creators everywhere happy. But where is Sansa. Oh crap you guys, she’s about to be brutally man-handled by thugs in an alley. Luckily the disfigured Hound comes to her rescue and tears a dude’s innards out and slashes up the others. Tyrion is grateful when Sansa is returned but the Hound’s all, “I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me.” Oooh! Is this another love connection? The Hound and Sansa sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I... well, vomiting and screaming probably.
In the aftermath, Shae is in charge of cleaning Sansa’s wounds. “Never trust anyone,” Shae warns. There’s unplumbed depths there. Got to be.
Let’s change the pace and chill with Robb Stark. He continues to flirt with battle surgeon Talisa , that is until Robb’s mother Catelyn shows up. She’s all, “Robb, stop thinking about your nob and start thinking about your job, you slob.” You see, Robb’s still promised to someone less pretty and he has to honour that debt or risk losing his honour. Which begs the question, what the hell are they fighting for anyway? Even if they win, is anybody going to be happy? Screw honour! I’d run off with the lady.
Speaking of Stark’s getting all weak at the knees when it comes to the ladies... that bastard Jon Snow is still trekking through his namesake (the snow) on a mission with a small group of Crows. His wolf, Ghost, is being all aloof though, and is wandering around the mountains alone. I assume this is so that he can act as a well-timed Deux ex Machina later.
Everything Jon says gets rebutted or ridiculed so he definitely has a sulk on when they reach the small Wildling lookout camp and start carving everyone up. But lo! What is this! One of the Wildlings is actually a feisty female under that hood. With red hair no less! That’s Jon Snow’s weakness! Jon is put in charge of cutting off her head while the others wander off ahead (for some reason?). But Jon is kind of a sissy now that a lady is here and he stammers and stalls like Hugh Grant in a romantic comedy. He completely misses her head, smashing his sword into a rock, and she buggers off.
Jon runs after her and eventually captures her but he’s far from his dudes and lost in the snow. He fails at a second opportunity to kill her choosing instead to tie her up and lead her around like his feisty pet. As darkness falls he has no recourse but to spoon this “helpless” woman who responds by grinding her butt against his crotch. This may be the biggest battle Jon has ever faced! Now he is playing the Game of Boners.
But what of little Arya Stark? We haven’t forgotten about her. She’s still at Harrenhal bearing cups for Granddaddy Lannister Tywin. He’s impressed that she can read, unlike the lumpy Amory Lorch who is chastised and sent to his room without any supper. But any smugness about her reading ability is quickly shattered when that weasel Littlefinger crashes the shindig and Arya has to hide her face for fear of being recognised. It’s pretty tense but luckily Littlefinger is too focused on his pimp stylez to make the connection.
Afterwards, Arya bonds with Tywin a little more (who seems impressed at her sharpness) and then nicks his letter which reveals a planned attack on Robb. She hopes to send out a warning but is intercepted by lumpy Lorch who snatches back the letter and intends to report to Tywin. In a mad panic, Arya escapes and has no other option than to go to secret assassin Jaqen and give him Lorch’s name as his second target. Jaqen is one laid back son of a bitch but Arya is insistent that he does it NOW. Time is totally against them and Lorch bursts into Tywin’s room and... BAM! Bitch goes down! He is dead, a dart in his neck. This scene was BADASS. A beautifully directed beat.
Now by this point I am thoroughly absorbed in this episode but I’m getting a little concerned. Last week’s episode had zero nudity and there’s been nothing here either and I’m worried that both Game of Thrones, and the people watching it, are losing their edge. Luckily Osha comes to the rescue! She goes into Theon’s stolen bed chamber and offers herself to him, removing all her clothes and appearing full Tonks naked. Hooray! Took one for the team.
But it’s all a clever distraction. When Theon sleeps the deep sleep of the freshly satisfied, Osha sneaks out, cuts the throat of a guard and steals away into the night with Bran and his brother in tow. Osha is totally awesome. And possibly part ninja.
And finally, in the grand city of Qarth, Daenerys has a failed negotiation with the bloated Spice King. She wants his ships in exchanged for a promised triple return when she takes back the Iron Throne but he views her as a bad investment and balks at the idea. Daenerys (and her eyebrows) start to really arc up and she threatens to wreak vengeance with fire and blood.
But the joke is on her. When she returns to her quarters she is horrified to discover that most of her Dothraki entourage have been butchered by unseen forces. And even worse than that? Her expensive CGI dragons are missing!
The final shot is a mysterious robed figure with a crate of pilfered dragons on his back, climbing the stairway to the Temple of the Undying.
ZOMG. I love you Game of Thrones!
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