Eurovision 2012: Grand Final

Here we are, folks! The Grand Final! The big game! We're in the last innings and bases are loaded! The razzle is dazzling, and the LEDs on the outside of Azerbaijan's Crystal Hall are shimmering in anticipation. Our 20 finalists from the two semis are joined by the automatically-qualifying 'Big 5' (United Kingdom, France, Italy, Germany & Spain) along with host country Azerbaijan to set us up with TWENTY SIX massive performances.

Given that we've already seen quite a few of these acts before, I won't be rehashing too much, but don't think you won't be stuck with watching Jedward again! Let's get to it!

United Kingdom

Look, I'm happy for Engelbert Humberdinck. God knows what he'd been doing before this, probably judging dog shows or something. But we're not going to talk about Engelbert, we're going to talk about something that has perplexed me over the whole weekend: are there rules that prevent countries entering musicians of a certain 'level' or popularity? Google didn't give me any real answers, and the general consensus seemed to be that the countries are free to enter whoever the hell they want. Given the UK are a country with a very solid pop history, why would they not put forward, say, One Direction for Eurovision instead of digging up old Engie? Sure, One Direction are probably super expensive and have a million better things to do, but even submitting some other X-Factor reject would put them in a better position to not be utterly pantsed every year. Do you not WANT to win, United Kingdom? While you're pondering that, here's Mr Humperdinck.


Russia

C'mon, you know you're dying to watch the Russian nannas again. C'MON AND PARTY FOR EVERYBODY!


France

The French entry wasn't really that good at all, so they cleverly used buff shirtless gymnasts to distract people from the song. Genius. They didn't do too badly, they got through the whole song without surrendering to the British once (eyoooo!).


Italy

Italy gives us something far less yawn-y than France, but it lacks a gimmick. Well, unless you call 'impersonating Amy Winehouse a gimmick' then I suppose I can pay that. A fun little boppy song, and definitely not the worst of tonight.


Estonia

And we're back with darling Ott Lepland. Aw, Ott. I wonder if he changed his tshirt after last night? Ponder that while you watch his dreamy self again with 'Kuula'.


Spain

After Pastora Soler's performance the entire of the audience at Crystal Hall submitted a bulk insurance claim for medical expenses relating to burst eardrums. Yeowch! Somewhere in the world Celine Dion felt suddenly inadequate and didn't know why. This song is pretty damn killer, and should've had strong claims to the throne.


Germany

Hear that? That's the sound of thousands upon thousands of ovaries exploding. Every time Roman Lob's little preview clip was shown during the semis my twitter feed would explode with lustful cries regarding 'The German'. I thought he was quite pretty, and the song sounded quite nice from the little I'd heard of it, so I was looking forward to seeing Mr Lob in full for the first time. To be honest...a little underwhelming. And the beanie detracted significantly from his visual appeal. Hear THAT sound? That's the sound of thousands of ladyboners wilting. :(


Malta

Thankfully Malta were on straight after Germany to raise my spirits back up. 'SINGIN' EH EH EH EH EH EH EH!' Have I mentioned that I love this song? Can you marry songs? I'd marry this.


Ireland

Jedward, as promised. I seriously haven't been able to get this out of my head for the last two days, and I'm starting to genuinely consider a lobotomy. This...can't go on. They didn't nail the mid-air high five this time. I am disappoint, Jedward. Disappoint.



Once all the songs are done we have to sit through the mild tedium of the vote counting. I say 'mild' tedium because back in the Olden Days every country used to read out every single one of their votes and the whole event would take about 24 hours and you'd end up not really giving a damn who won in the end. Nowadays they speed through the minor votes and just make a big deal of the top three, which is like HEAVEN in comparison.

Still, the vote counting isn't exactly exciting, so it was pretty epic when they crossed to Finland for the Finnish votes and there was LORDI! He dragged out his segment too, likely to the annoyance of the producers. We salute you, sir.

The eventual winner won by a hugely impressive margin, but let's have a look at the top 10 before we congratulate numero uno. I'd like to note that my Favourite Song Ever from Malta came 21st out of 26, so it's all clearly rigged and nobody knows anything and screw you guys, I'm going home. Iceland came 20th with their dramatic duet, and I was genuinely surprised by their low placing. Crazy.

Tenth Place: The faux-Celine from SPAIN
Ninth Place: Our Amy Winehouse-esque diva from ITALY
Eighth Place: The lady-boner enducing Roman Lob from GERMANY
Seventh Place: Our favourite shipmate, Can Bonomo from TURKEY
Sixth Place: Ultra-adorable Ott Lepland from ESTONIA
Fifth Place: The lady with the massive lungs and rodent-esque hairdo from ALBANIA
Fourth Place: Token votes for the host country put AZERBAIJAN in fourth
Third Place: The pimpin' crowd favourite super-crooner from SERBIA
Second Place: Just pipped at the cake-making post were the grannies from RUSSIA

Drumroll please....in first place we have......SWEDEN!



Absolutely smashing song, and hey, if my new BFFs Malta couldn't win, this would have been my second choice. Loreen won by a whopping 133 point margin, so it was a very comprehensive Swedish butt-kicking. I hear they're going to build a new giant IKEA store in Stockholm to host next year's ceremony. Imagine.

Well, that's Eurovision done for another year, so you can put your feather boas back in the cupboard for another 12 months. We hope you have enjoyed our coverage here on Fruitless Pursuits, and we will see you right back here in 2013 for EUROVISION SWEDEN! *goes off to listen to Ott Lepland again*

Goodbye, dorky host Eldar. You were so special to me...for that one weekend.