F**k Yeah Game of Thrones! Episode Three: What is Dead May Never Die

Season Two of Game of Thrones continues to simmer away pleasantly while we all really hope that it will soon explode violently, showering everyone scalding hot, but delicious, figurative soup.

I am thoroughly enjoying the series so far but finding it very difficult to consume such an epic story in relatively small weekly doses. Inevitably it leaves me greedy for more. The show is currently juggling so many characters right now (and adding more all the time) that some of my favourites have had no more than five or so minutes of screen time across an entire three episodes, making their complete absence in any given episode even harder to take. I realise that - much like the long-promised winter - all of these things are coming, but it’s a tough wait. It almost makes me want to read a book...

To see what I thought about this week’s episode, along with wild speculation, jumbled names and factual errors, do me the honour of joining me after the jump!

(As always, bear in mind that I won’t necessarily be recounting events in the order they occurred in the show, and I have not read the books and have no idea where this story is going).

Last week’s cliffhanger saw that bastard Jon Snow getting his noggin nastily knocked by crusty wildling daughter-impregnator Craster, after getting a peek of the latter leaving a baby boy in the woods. It appeared that perhaps the baby was being gifted to a shadowy white walker, but we never found out once Jon’s bastard bonce was bashed.

With a whole week to wait, I had no option but to make up my own fanciful ideas of what might happen next. I was hoping for some type of all-out white walker altercation, with perhaps Jon being sacrificed to the white walkers or, failing that, Craster could at least drag Jon into some secret hollowed out pixie tree and make him participate in a forbidden, medieval live revue of Wildings Gone Wild or something...

But no, instead a bloodied Jon is roughly dumped back at camp, where Craster wakes up the Black Watch and angrily tells them they must all leave. In the morning. Once they’ve had their breakfast and packed up all their things apparently? The Commander immediately takes Jon outside where he chews him out for being an inquisitive dick. It turns out that the commander was fully aware that Craster is donating babies to weird shadows in the woods, and what’s more he doesn’t give a damn because they’ve got bigger fish to fry. And probably bacon and eggs to cook in the morning.

But when dawn breaks, Sam is far more concerned about Craster’s imbred daughter Gilly (who I am also officially hot for). I was hoping that this episode there would be a daring escape where they smuggled her out of the camp, were spotted, and then had to cut off a billion heads, but no... he just gives her a thimble or something that belonged to his mother and tells her that one day (I’m guessing series 5, episode 7) he will be back for her.

However, far more exciting things are happening for crippled 10-year-old Stark boy Brann - things that I could never have predicted. After his prophetic dreams of the past, he has now moved on to dreaming about being a wolf and running around howling and tasting blood. So let me get this straight... Brann can’t walk, but now he’s going to be able to transfer his mind into a bloodthirsty wolf who will wreak ten-year-old havoc across Westeros. Oh god I hope so.

More awesomeness is underway at Storm’s End where a giant bronze knight is bashing the absolute crap out of Loras Tyrell, the Knight of the Flowers, while King Renly (the late Rob Fred Flinstone Baratheon’s younger brother) watches. When Loras yields it is revealed that the bronze knight is actually a seven foot blonde woman called Brienne. For kicking Loras’ arse she is rewarded with a position in the Kingsguard, where I assume that everyone will try not to draw too much attention to the fact that she’s a seven foot blonde woman.

Catelyn Stark crashes King Renly’s shindig wanting his help in the war against the accursed Lannisters, but Renly already has plans of his own and will bring back The Joff’s head. This leads to a minor pissing contest in which Catelyn trades thinly veiled barbs with both Brienne and Loras. And probably the Lorax. I can’t keep up with all these characters.

Oh because did I mention that Renly is king of Storm’s End because he married Margeary Tyrell who is the Knight of the Flowers’ brother. And she wants Renly to shove a bun in her oven, but Renly is actually banging her brother, Loras and when she honours her HBO contract by getting her baps out, the king can’t get it up. But no matter, it turns out that she’s totally jake with the king buggering her brother, and is willing to let him join the party if it means a child for her. Which no doubt leaves Renly wishing that someone would invent the turkey baster. You see, this isn’t about love, it’s about power. It’s all a big game to her. A game... of thrones. Read that again, but this time even more dramatically.

On the Iron Islands, shaggin’ Theon Greyjoy is getting no love from his estranged family. He’s still angry at his sister, Asha, for letting him unwittingly fingerbang her on a horse, and he has more daddy issues than Luke Skywalker. Daddy Greyjoy is unsympathetic, still rejecting the offer to join the Starks and decides instead to wage war on the north, sending Asha with 30 ships, and the now limp Theon with one. He will fight fishermen! It will be epic!

Later, Theon is obviously extremely conflicted about waging war on the family that raised him so he almost sends a letter to Robb Stark to warn him, but then chickens out and sets it alight. This is going to end in tears.

But what of King’s Landing and our favourite drunken imp, Tyrion, who is still the King’s Hand and causing all sorts of crazy unexpected mischief. He lays a cunning trap by telling Pycelle, Little Finger, and Varys three separate pieces of bullshit, waiting to see which one will turn tattletale to the queen. Sure enough it’s the elderly Pycelle that can’t be trusted and Tyrion interrupts his sweaty dalliance and throws him into a cell. High five! But not too high...

Tryion’s other issue this episode is that his secret lover Shae is getting restless in her confinement, so he handballs her to the ever surly young queen-to-be Sansa Stark where she poses as her handmaiden. Sansa has already been getting all sorts of shit from Queen Regeant Cersei at the dinner table, so it adds insult to injury when she also get lumped with a shiftless handmaiden. Although I have a strong feeling that this new arrangement is going to prove very useful for Sansa in the future.

Finally, let’s catch up with the most kickass living Stark, Arya, who is now chilling in a barn with the sleeping Black Watch recruits. Head honcho Yoren unnecessarily scares the shit out of her with a grisly and depressing story and then SURPRISE the City Watch attack - just like they said they would - in an attempt to find Gendry, King Robert’s bastard son with the bull’s helmet.

Now things really heat up as a vicious battle ensues. Yoren commands Arya and Gendry to run away like sissies and then he leaps into the fray. He fights well enough but is easily outnumbered and ends up having a sword embedded in the top of his head, along with some crossbow bolts and spears. Arya helps free the caged rapists (who are on fire) and some skinny bastard kid takes the opportunity to try and run away with the bull’s helmet. His little jaunt is cut short, however, when he gets an arrow to the knee (guffaw) and then a guard sticks Arya’s sword through his throat.

All the surviving kids are rounded up now and it looks pretty grim for Gendry (and Arya) because if Gendry doesn’t step forward then these guards will start plucking out eyeballs and giving super wedgies. But Arya is plucky and she wrongly informs the guards that they already killed Gendry, claiming that he was that bastard little kid that stole the helmet. Will her ruse work?

I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER WEEK!! GYARRGH!!

Daenerysis not appearing in this episode.