F**k Yeah Game of Thrones! Episode Four: Garden of Bones

ZOMGWTF Game of Thrones!!! Any misgivings about the expository/introductory nature of the first few episodes are quickly dashed as we are bludgeoned by what might be the most messed up episode of Game of Thrones episode ever. And for more reasons than one! Holy crap! I can think of at least three reasons to cower during this one!

Pew! Pew! Pew!

To find out more about the dark depravity that lies before you, join me after the jump where we will shiver and squeal like tiny girls. (And, as always, remember that I have never read the books and all of this is new to me!).


We’ve started with a piss before... But have we started with a fart? Which, to be fair, is quickly followed by a piss.

A flatulent Lannister soldier and his friend goof off in the night, but when one of them unzips and lets rip, the mighty Robb Stark’s killer wolf leaps in and rips him open, unleashing all manner of toxic gases into the world. The next morning among the blood and intestines, it’s revealed that Robb’s men have had an overwhelming victory against the Lannister encampment and they begin the process of dealing with the captured and injured. It’s here that Robb meets dreamy new girl Talisa who has the romantic task of sawing off an infected foot. Swoon.

Talisa challenges Robb’s war, blaming him for butchering young men who are merely following orders while failing to attack the root of the problem. In Westeros this sort of backchat would lead to a torn out tongue or a head on a spike, but Robb is pretty goo goo eyed as the filthy battle surgeon rides off on the back of a cart. It looks like love is brewing, but didn’t Robb’s mother already promise him to someone else? This will inevitably lead to more grief and hopefully Talisa will have to carve off Robb’s fiance’s feet. I hope she does marry Robb. Think of the money they will save on shoes.

Okay now let’s switch to pubescent uber villian King Joffrey “The Joffster” Joffenstein who has always been a nasty shit of a kid, but never quite so much as he is here. The Joff has decided to punish Sansa for her brother’s latest “treachery” and levels a crossbow at her while his men begin to strip her clothes and beat her. It’s a hard scene to watch and given the anything-can-suddenly-happen nature of A Game of Thrones I was expecting it to get far worse. I didn’t really believe that Sansa could be killed because she’s too valuable as a bargaining tool, but I did believe she might be permanently disfigured. Or turned inside out or something.

Luckily though our favourite womanizing imp, Tyrion, bursts through in a fury and saves the day like a boss! He scolds The Joff and threatens his men with death, before gallantly leading Sansa out of harm’s way. Hooray! I goddamn love Tyrion. He’s the only speck of light in King’s Landing at the moment. Well... actually aside from Bronn, who utters the unforgettable line, "There's no cure for being a cunt" and reaches the brilliant conclusion that The Joff is just pent up with spunk and needs to get laid. That’ll surely stop him from torturing people! Right? RIGHT!??

Sadly not.

When The Joff returns to his room to discover that two prostitutes,  Ros and Daisy, have been generously provided by his lil' Uncle T, The Joff becomes even scarier than ever. My god, this was one of the most messed up scenes I’ve ever sat through and I’m sure it must have permanently scarred the poor young actor. Or at least I hope it did. Hello future intimacy issues.

Because when young Joff is confronted by a completely naked Daisy he decides that it would be far more interesting if Ros started hitting her, first with her hands, then with a belt, and then - at crossbow point - he makes Ros beat the ever-living shit out of her with a heavy wooden sceptre. Which has antlers. Holy shit!

Joffrey then tells Ros that when she’s finished with Daisy he wants her to take what’s left of her to Tyrion to show him what he’s done. This was such a difficult sequence to watch and I hated the Joff so much by the end of it that I really wanted to see the incident resolved in this episode. I wanted Tyrion to find out and I needed to see how he would make this right. It was such a heinous act that I almost expected a sudden end to Joff, much like the “golden crown” scenario that played out last season. I feel like they’re definitely setting up The Joff for a smack in the gob. But sadly this was not resolved at all and we will have to wait until next week. Arrrgh! You’re killing me Game of Thrones! What happens next, damn you?!

A change of pace and a slight reprieve as we switch to the weasley Little Finger who has visited King Renly and is trading barbs. Renly doesn’t like Little Finger at all and at this point who could blame him? Finger will use whatever leverage he can and later uses a lot of trademark double-speak and innuendo to suggest to queen Margaery that he knows the true nature of her relationship with Renly and her brother. (Threeway). If all this wasn’t enough, the bastard then moves on to terrorizing Catelyn Stark (who he has a major crush on) and Catelyn nearly has to stick a knife in his stupid face. (Which I could probably get behind). But Little Finger is able to appease her with a gift - a big box of Ned Stark’s bones. Catelyn is pretty stoked. Ned was a big man, and these bones will probably get the wolves through winter.

We’re not quite done with Renly yet. Along with Loras, Catelyn and the towering Brienne, he meets up with his big brother Stannis and the red lady Melisandre. It’s typical sibling rivalry stuff where Stannis wants Renly to submit to his rule, Renly wants Stannis to piss off, and Stannis threatens to give Renly an atomic wedgie. No truce can be made and Stannis gives Renly until morning to consider whether or not he wants his underpants hooked over his ears.

Okay...  Daenerys! She’s been pretty timid this series, but finally there is hope on the horizon. One of her riders returns from Qarth (pronounced "Karth" you stupid idiots!), a legendary walled city surrounded by the Garden of Bones. However, despite the title of this episode being "Garden of Bones", if we saw the garden, I must have missed it.

Upon arrival, Daenerys is greeted by a small army and a smug, portly merchant - one of the “Thirteen” who seem to preside over the city. He’ll only let her in if she shows him her dragons. The problem is that the CGI for the dragons is really expensive, so Daenerys would prefer to keep them covered up until she gets inside. Unimpressed, the merchant says he’ll leave her to die and Daenerys finally fires up and threatens to come back and torch his city with her full grown dragons - even though, paradoxically, she’ll be dead of starvation long before then. It eventually takes another of the Thirteen, a tall, kindly gent to vouch for her and they begrudgingly let her in without seeing the dragons. And the show’s accountants breathe a sigh of relief.

Meanwhile, Arya is imprisoned at shithole Harrenhal where each day the Mountain selects a prisoner to be interrogated, tortured and killed. Hot Pie pisses himself as the first victim is strapped to a chair and has a starving rat in a metal bucket strapped to his chest. They then proceed to heat up the bucket. This is yet another incredibly messed up thing this episode. But don't relax, it's not the last.

As days pass it becomes that bastard blacksmith Gendry’s turn to play rat-bucket but he is saved by the last minute at the arrival of Grand Daddy Lannister,Tywin. Tywin is pretty pissed that the prisoners are being routinely disposed of instead of being put to work and scolds the guards. Although he doesn’t recognise who she is, Tywin immediately realises that Arya is a girl (he can probably smell them) and decides to take her with him as he needs a new cup bearer. Wait. What? Why don't I have a cup bearer? I can only imagine what crazy things are going to happen now that Arya is teamed up with Tywin. George R.R. Martin, you are full of surprises! And I bet many of them reside in your beard.

Let’s quickly check back in with Tyrion who receives a stern order from Queen Cersei, via her secret boy toy, Lancel. Except this isn’t so secret and Tyrion torments Lancel, threatening to inform the sadistic Joff that he's been banging the queen. Lancel has no choice but to submit to the imp, and will now act as his eyes and ears, reporting back on Cersei’s every plan. In exchange, Tyrion agrees to free doddering coffin-dodger Pycelle, but won’t let him back on the council.

And finally, things get REALLY weird.

At Stannis’ command, ex-smuggler Davos sneaks spooky high priestess Melisandre to a dark cavern on the shore. She removes her robe and while this appeared to be the opportunity to finally see if she was a "natural" Red Lady, such mysteries are overshadowed by her huge pregnant belly. Heavily pregnant already? Something weird is going on...

Much to Davos’ escalating shock she then proceeds to go into labour and as we pan down to what’s happening between her legs, she births STREAMS OF EVIL BLACK SMOKE! And then a WRETCHED SHADOWY  CREATURE crawls its way out of her body, momentarily assembles into an unseen fully grown man (we do see his powerful calves) and then vanishes into smoke again.

WTF GAME OF THRONES!? WTF!?

I am so insanely eager to learn what happens next that I nearly knocked myself into a coma for the week. AND WE’RE ONLY AT EPISODE FOUR!

For me, this was one of the most disturbing but engaging episodes yet. I cannot wait for more! How will Shadow Man-Baby effect this Clash of Kings? I gotta' know!