Clone Wars Recap S4 E19: Massacre!

Clone Wars begins its epic final four-part arc for this season (the arc that will culminate in the return of a robo-crotched Maul) and holy crap was it a good one! This was one of the darkest, trippy, unforgiving episodes ever, as an invading fleet of tanks and droids got caught up in a world of creepy women and witchcraft. Bathed in blood red and acid green, this episode was seriously like Star Wars meets Suspiria. And I loved it!

Once you've watched it, join me after the jump where our jaws will drop in astonishment together!


The premise for this episode is relatively simple. There's no Jedi or clones present at all - our focal character is sith witch Asajj Ventress who has been at odds with her former master Dooku who spectacularly double-crossed her last season. Her attempts last time to assassinate Dooku with Darth Maul's freshly mutated brother Savage went totally awry, and now she is alone, defeated and returns to Dathomir to take refuge with her witchy brethren. Spooky head witch Mother Talzin convinces her to renounce all ties with the Sith and become a full-fledged Nightsister.

But Dooku is still understandably still pissed about Asajj's attack so he is launching a full invasion on Dathomir, led by long-absent cyborg General Grievous. They begin their ground assault with the intent on massacring every witch on the planet, but soon realise they're getting a lot more than they bargained for. Witches be cray cray, and they start doing the most bizarre, eerie supernatural shit that you would ever hope to see on a "kid's" show.

In fact, can we just punch that myth in the face right now? Anyone still claiming that Clone Wars is aimed at young children, needs to sit a couple of them down in front of this episode, crank up the speakers, and watch is absolutely scare the shit out of them. It terrified me and I am a virile manly man. In low light. If you squint.

If you thought that the witches of Dathomir were all hotpants and bows and arrows then you got it wrong. They're about 55% camel toes and archery, but it's the other shrieking, supernatural 45% that you really have to worry about. It turns out that Mother Talzin has a husky old grandmother witch secreted in a cave and when she starts rolling back her eyes and speaking in chilling demon tongues, that's a serious problem for your army of droids. There are large sacks hanging from many of the Dathomir trees and it turns out that they are filled with the twisted corpses of the Nightsister's dead. At granny's command they start bursting out of their sacks and run screaming into the laser-strewn fray.

But let's be clear here... these aren't comical zombies. These are twisted, decayed nightmares with glowing eyes and green mist pouring out of their screeching maws. These things are insanely scary as they speed along the ground tearing heads off droids. At one point Grievous is battling many of them who cover his body and claw at his face. Star Wars finally has its own undead army, and while I imagine that will be too weird for a lot of people (i.e. sissies, fundies, the boring) I thought it was pretty rad!

You know, last year when we saw the first Nightsister arc, I heard a lot of overly-sensitive babies on podcasts talking about how they were deeply concerned about their children seeing magic or witchcraft. They were absolutely fine with the routine impalings or beheadings but magic? Nooo! Look, America, just relax, okay. I think we all know that if Jesus was here he would absolutely love this episode. So we're cool. Don't even worry about it.

Now things really heat up when Talzin decides to take the battle directly to Dooku - even though the two of them are worlds apart. She starts to torture a greasy voodoo doll in a cauldron of green awfulness, and back at his palace Dooku immediately begins to break out in boils and writhe around in agony. What she does to Dooku over the course of the next few minutes is truly terrible, and we see him in all manner of torment, in fact he becomes desperate enough to contact Grievous and beg him to call off the battle. The best part is when a ghostly Talzin breaks out of Dooku's convulsing chest and threatens him before ominously descending back into his body.

It's looking bleak for Team Separatist and it's all up to Grievous now. After a brief but wonderful battle with Asajj (which involves SIX lightsabers, which clash together like a glowing asterisk!), the wounded Asajj retreats and Grievous heads straight for the source - the dirty green magic that is causing all this bullshit. He bursts in on the grandmother and unceremoniously runs her through with one of his many lightsabers. A horrified Talzin disappears into a puff of green mist as Grievous overturns her cauldron and thereby rescues Dooku. The zombies collapse and the remaining Nightsisters are quickly and viciously gunned down by the droid army. Save for Talzin and Asajj, the witches of Dathomir are defeated.

Once again, Asajj is alone in the universe and must find somewhere new to hide. And if this preview is any indication, where she goes is going to be fantastic...

Boba Fett? Bossk? DENGAR?

Sadly Dengar already has the head bandages so I guess we're not going to see the epic origin scene where he slips on his own vomit and bashes his head on the toilet. Still - I CAN'T WAIT!

See you back here in a week!