I Gotta Get Me 12-inches!

OK, two weeks I've been gone.

And admittedly, I'm not really coming back with a whole lot. But here's the thing. I'm not apologizing to any of you assholes. Since last I wrote, we've had not one but two deaths, some behavioral issues out the wazoo with my kid, some other shit, and to top it off? Yesterday I find out I have Meibomianitis.

Freaky huh? And I thought the lids of my eyes were just red and swollen from crying every day. Who F**KING knew?

Got my newsletter from Sideshow early this week. How's THAT for a jarring segue?

It was late of course because of my SHITBAG of an e-mail hosting service. Did I mention I am dumping them and now have a new e-mail address too? Yeah, been working on that as well.

Do I sound angry? I guess I am. Go figure.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah...when I saw this I almost shit my pants.

I want it.

BAD.

No way I'm GETTING it. But I want it.

Hell, I don't even have any of the Christopher Nolan Era Batman figures from Hot Toys. Not ONE. In fact, since I am kind of, um, how does one put this...'in-between'...careers, you might say, I don't technically own ANY Hot Toys product at the moment.

I did pre-order the Michael Keaton Batman figure that they released, but I won't be able to keep it. Or even open it. I'll have to eventually re-sell it unless things change for us on the career front. Same thing happens with a lot of stuff lately that I see that I really like and would, in the past, have 'collected'.

I still order some of them. But then I get them. Open them up. Get wood. Have some 'me' time.

Then I realize I should never have bought it and I can't afford to keep it, I marvel at the amazing awesomeness of it all, and I then put it on a shelf and HOPE that I can...maybe...if I am lucky...be able to keep it. Though I know that the likelihood is that I probably can't.

And that usually works out to be true of late.

Take the Hot Toys DX Jack Sparrow for instance.

Probably the coolest fucking figure on the planet that came out in 2012. My opinion, of course. This was Sparrow's likeness from On Stranger Tides. A film that I saw and despite what many people said, I thought the movie was very good. I mean JESUS it was nice to have a POTC film that wasn't one long ship-to-ship battle.

And to put it bluntly, I was never a huge Penelope Crux fan before. But for some reason? In this movie? Major bonage.

Maybe it was the pirate outfit, I dunno. Guess that just does something for me. But she was looking MIGHTY hot. Here's to hoping she pops up in the supposed follow-ups to POTC:OST and that there are a LOT less layers on the poop deck, if you catch my meaning.

But this toy?

HOLY SHIT, mate.

I mean...does it GET better than that? I mean, other than that sweet-ass Tumbler Batmobile, maybe? Makes me wish I were a 12-inch figure just so I could have me some sweet passionate doll-love with Barbie on the dashboard of that thing.

Now...this was as FAR as I dared take the process of 'opening' this Jack Sparrow figure up to take pictures.

And it took an EXCEPTIONAL amount of self-control to do this, let me tell you.

As much as I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to take him out and pose him and play with him and love him and see if he could make it with Barbie in the Barbie Corvette I knew that the second I did that he would become USED, or at least he would FEEL used, and neglected, and discarded, and cheap and filthy and dirty like a disgusting whore...and then I would be up shit creek if I had to sell him.

Because who wants a SLUTTY Jack Sparrow?

NOBODY.

This SUCKS.

This is not how things are supposed to turn out.

But getting my career ship turned around is but one of a thousand things that needs to be fixed in the life of Yours Truly. And this blog is probably not the place to really go over that shit, is it? That's my problem with being a contributor here, and why I often am at...odds with it. This is supposed to be a pop culture website. The personalities are irrelevant. Do I really fit in? Do my posts really belong here?

I am all ABOUT the personality. That's pretty much what I bring to the table. Because seriously? Other than that? I got nuthin'.

OUT.