Recap: America's Next Top Model Season 17, Episode 3

 

I hope you appreciate what I'm doing for you here. 

So, remember how in the first episode they threatened promised to bring in famous people? I mean "famous" people? "Famous" "people"? Well, it's begun. Save yourselves!

Someone called Kristin Cavalleri who is famous for being on awful reality television comes to the house to give them the benefit of her wisdom. This turns out to be basically 'be yourself, even if your self is awful'. She says that the audience can tell when someone's "not being real," which is pretty funny coming from someone who was on The Hills.

Then the models go to some awful place where Entertainment Tonight is filmed. They are split into two groups to be interviewed by Mario Lopez, who I guess is a pretty good role model for spinning out a career based on absolutely nothing. Irritatingly, the group who wins the challenge will be immune from judging. This seems pretty unfair until I realise that I hate this show. Lisa (the super-annoying one who won the last challenge by dripping a hot dog on her face) is asked something bland about being on TV and answers, "It's a balancing act and guess what I won first place in balance beam, whuuuuuut" and then makes a loud whooping noise and gives everyone a double high-five as though she just achieved something. Even Mario looks disgusted. Lisa continually high-fives her teammates after everything they say. Maybe if she doesn't win ANTM she'll get a job with a current affairs show? I would like to see this interview technique used in other situations.

Lisa's team does not win the challenge.

The photo shoot is revealed to be a shoot on stilts, which seem to be all the rage at the moment (ie they used them on Project Runway and it was just as stupid). The women are put in pairs, one who is safe from elimination and one who is not. Then they are put in revealing outfits and on stilts and then they try to look sexy and not stupid.

 

Camille (safe) is partnered with Isis (not safe). Camille tells the camera that "I need to get up there and I need to deliver, because how is it that they're going to have someone who's transgender do better than the actual... real... woman..." Her voice trails off as she realises that she has said something really stupid, but I still hate her.

Allison does well in the photo shoot. Earlier in the show she was talking about how strange she is, and how it's hard for people to understand her because she's so strange. I think that the only thing that's strange about Allison is that she's 23 and still talking like a 15 year old planning her Gothic Lolita cosplay.

Allison wins the first photo because she pushed her pelvis back and stuck her bum out. This gives Tyra to coin a new phrase in her usual, completely non-organic and irritating way. The phrase is 'booty tooch' and she makes everyone repeat it to ensure it will become part of the show's vernacular. She is Caesar and we have no Brutus.

Lisa, astoundingly, is again given praise from the judges. Nigel notes that she is "authentic." Apparently this is a good thing, even when you are authentically awful. She wears a black bustier and black pants with a hot pink fringe down the sides. Nigel says he likes her outfit. Does Lisa have some terrible dirt on Nigel?

Isis is booted off, which sucks because she actually does have an interesting personality and takes good photos. Boo! At this point I realise that this show is going to continue to get worse, and I consider giving this up and recapping my naps instead. But I know that by throwing myself under this bus each week, I am saving you, the reader, from having to go through this pain. 

I hope you appreciate it.