Recap: America's Next Top Model Season 17, Episode 1

That's right bitches, ANTM is back for yet another season of flogging a dead yet stylish horse! Join me for some hastily scribbled drawings as I try to explain what the fuck just happened!


In case you have not come across her, Tyra Banks is a power-mad monster with narcissistic personality disorder. This season begins in typical style, focusing on Tyra. Tyra is asleep in bed, but then she is visited by Tyra in a wig, pretending to be a past contestant. More Tyras appear! Any other show would use the actual contestants, but nothing makes Tyra happier than seeing Tyra.

So this season is going to be an All-Star season, and it looks like it might just be the most annoying season yet! The models will be competing to be a 'brand'! They'll be making a music video! They'll have 'celebrity' 'mentors'! And the first judging (please god let it only be the first judging) is live!

My only consolation is that my favourite contestant EVER, Laura the country cutie, is on this season! I love Laura with a completely unironic devotion. She is the sweetest thing for reals!

 

Some of the models are from early seasons and they look less like fresh-faced hopefuls than tired Real Housewives. Lisa ('wild child') and Britney ('party girl') are particularly depressing. The first shoot is in the backyard, and each model is helpfully portraying the role the producers want her to play. Shannon ('angelic') apparently caused a stir in her season by refusing to pose nude. Now she won't even pose in her undies because that's for husbands. She says she wants to be a role model. For who, never-nudes?

They try to get her to wear big lace undies that look like shorts, but she won't put them on over her revealing high-cut bikini briefs because Jesus wouldn't like it or something. Then Mr Jay tries to get her to put them on and she cries, which is why she's been brought on the show so all is well.

 

I guess they chose their own outfits for judging, because 'wild child' Lisa wears the most horrific thing ever on ANTM (and that's saying something): a stovepipe hat with a rainbow band. She looks like someone's drunk mum at a Creedence cover band afternoon in the park.

People boo Alexandria as she comes out, which is mean but not surprising because oh my goodness she sure was horrible in the last season. She and Britney are the last 2 but Britney is out because nobody can remember her so Alexandria is better for ratings. Britney says "Maybe I should have peed in a diaper," showing a lot of savvy about reality television. The traditional Photoshopped collage of the first photoshoot is hilariously bad, as seen above. 

This is going to be TERRIBLE.