The Sexist Adventures of the Fantastic Four!

Apparently Fox only has a couple of year window to reboot The Fantastic Four movies before the rights will revert back to Marvel Studios. And quite frankly they better pull a pretty magnificent rabbit out of their hat after the lazily directed, unambitious abominations that were the first two films. But don't fret, Dear Reader, because you may be shocked to discover that the original source material is actually pretty good! Pretty GREAT in fact! I absolutely adore the original Stan Lee and Jack stories beginning in 1961.

Until very recent times, belligerent comic fans balked at the idea of a modern superhero film being a presented as a period piece. But this year alone we've been treated to both X-Men First Class (set in the sixties) and Captain America: The First Avenger (set in World War II) so believe me when I say that a sixties Fantastic Four is the only way to go! Plus you like Mad Men, right? Well then! I rest my case.

However, we should be prepared that many attitudes have changed since the sixties, but that does not mean that the screenwriters should shy away from them in a period piece. In fact I say let's embrace those wacky backwards opinions especially in regards to the team's single female member Sue Storm. Have no idea what I'm talking about. Here's a quick primer on the team and their powers:

Mr. Fantastic got stretching powers because he was a fat child and thus had stretchmarks all over his thighs and stomach. The Thing got turned into rock because he's as big and as stupid one. The Human Torch turns into fire because he was fired from his job at Wendy's. And the Invisible Woman turns invisible because, well, take a look for yourself...

Much more after the jump!


It's kind of hard sometimes to justify why Sue was even there. The General was half-right - Sue's not bad to look at - but rather than lift morale, she seemed to bring everybody down with her endless nagging:

Sweet Jesus, Sue! Put dinner back in the oven! The boys are trying to work!

Which is not to say that Sue didn't have her occasional uses. When she wasn't endlessly opening and closing her pretty mouth she proved handy as decoy, a shield, and let's not forget - gun caddy:

And my slippers and pipe while you're at it!!

 But I'm probably being a little unfair to her genius husband, Mr. Fantastic. He wasn't a heartless man - he was just incredibly busy saving our stupid, moronic asses. At the end of the day he stilled showed his share of compassion to Sue...

Reed has two uses for your mouth and your gasbagging isn't one of them.

And it's not like Sue didn't have her unique skills:

Yeah! The monsters can wait! Build a catwalk, Ben. We're having a fashion show!

 Poor Sue! But please, don't rush to blame the men for their complete indifference, verging on possible hatred for women. They had other things on their minds:

Take the deal, Reed. You don't want The Thing's sloppy seconds.

SO LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE ORIGINAL FANTASTIC FOUR, WRITTEN BY A REAL LADIES MAN!: